Monday, 23 August 2010
Okay I can't keep up the japanese. I'm bored oh so bored and also kinda sad but don't really have a reason to be. Although please stop saying mean things about me, I'm doing nothing wrong.
I want someone to travel with, someone to wake up next to, someone to cook for.
I might eat some ice cream. haha, bet that'll please you. Ah well, as long as I retain podium position of thinness I'm okay. If I get too fat I can always not eat for a few days, yay.
So bored. I don't even have enough thoughts to fill a blog anymore. Hmm.. I might be buying a tv. I had a dream with sea creatures and a plane in it where two people I know died. I went to the train station earlier to buy a ticket but forgot my railcard, fail. Tomorrow is my last counselling appointment, before I resign myself to being depressed and crazy but can't afford any help. lolzzz.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
every time i look at this website,
i get sad
sadder every time
nearly every time I read a blog, i cry
either one of them..
very deep stuff.
especially yours though
really can't handle that shit
god I need to get a grip
in all the things I should be doing
no more excuses
great it's sorted
tomorrow I shall wake up and be dynamic!
or maybe I won't
can't tell the future before it happens, right?
night everyone who reads this
great talking to you
enjoy your respective evenings.
ARGH, stay stable for once! I've realised that there's probably only one thing that matters to me and it's oh so silly. I wish it didn't matter, it would improve my quality of life to no end.
My dad rolled me a few joints for Reading today lol, what a scummy life I lead. I'm gonna rot. but it doesn't matter, what do I have to lose? I read three chapters of a book for college today and think that's a huge acheivement for me, the girl who does nothing. who is lazy and then gets upset when she doesn't succeed. sigh, it used to be so much easier. It's hard to care about trivial things like college work when you don't feel like you have a purpose. Give it back to me?
Thursday, 19 August 2010
Got my results today, ABBC. One of the Bs was ONE MARK off an A. So I'm going to retake a module to try and get an A, yay.
I wish I could work hard.
I CAN work hard. And I will. I'll try my best. I really need to try, I need this.
I also need to sort my life out, I want stability.
Lastly. It only gets to you because you know I talk sense. from many things you've said, I know you agree at least in part. haha.
I wish I could skin up. hmf. I need to learn.
Tuesday, 17 August 2010
To be like her I need to:
get perfect skin (i'm trying, it's hard)
grow my hair and cut it/care for it
lose weight, i know i'm not fat but i'm just not skinny enough
practice music or dancing or something
maybe then you'll love me. I don't even know who you are any more.
Sunday, 15 August 2010
I'm a whore.
When I get drunk I turn into a total idiot yet I continue to do so.
My ultimate goal in life isn't going anywhere.
I'm really alone.
I can't commit any more.
Why would you do this to me? I'm so broken, I can't let anyone in for more than a few weeks and then I flip out. I don't even know why, some have been so lovely.
But they're not you.
Help me please please please, I regret so much.
Monday, 9 August 2010
First off, I find it funny how after all this time, it took ME to end things, me to take a stand. Yeah, I liked how things were, but I just kept being left feeling so deflated and like everything is pointless. Unfortunately, that feeling is slowly creeping back anyway. The thing is, after you PROMISED we would spend that weekend together and we spent hours talking about and planning it, then you go and say actually, maybe not, I just can't think of you in the same way. horrible HORRIBLE thing to do. I'm so angry. so so so angry.
I hate people, I want them to all go away, especially you two, but even the people I'm supposed to like are driving me mad. I don't know what to do.
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
Last Saturday, I had a lunch break from work and no one to spend it with. However, this was not a problem, as I like sitting by myself and contemplating things on my lunch breaks, I'm so tired that I need to rest everything, including my brain, to stop myself from spewing a garbled mish mash of nonsense at customers for the next four hours. So that's what I did this lunchtime; I got myself a bottle of Vitamin Water and a small chocolate bar (I hadn't been really eating, this seemed adequate for lunch) and walked to Christ's Pieces, where I headed straight across the grass to the nearest bench in sight with no one occupying it. The bench was the opposite side of the park to where I usually sit, and gave a whole new perspective to the scene. A group of what I assumed to be Chinese people were sitting in front of me, and I found that my eyes kept coming to rest on one man in particular. Unfortunately, this was not because he was amazingly attractive or anything interesting like that, he was simply eating some takeaway food from a tin tray and in my hungry state (which, of course, I tried to tell myself I wasn't), I found it hard to look away. He looked back at me a few times, and I thought to myself, I'll just let him think I'm staring at him, not the food. Free ego booster. After a while of people-watching and just sitting thinking, absentmindedly texting simultaneously, an old man came to sit next to me. Having been alone on my seat before, I was sitting in a reasonably central position, and this meant that my new companion was sitting quite close to me, and I felt slightly uncomfortable. Despite this, I held my ground and continued sitting, still trying to relish this alone time which had suddenly become not so much alone. At first, I wanted him to leave, feeling almost angry at the intrusion, but this soon subsided. It was surprisingly replaced with an overwhelming desire to talk to him. I noticed that he was drawing, and took a sly glance at the picture. It was a stylised illustration of the group of people laughing and eating lunch in front of us. Every atom in me screamed to say something. A comment about the unusual weather. A compliment on the drawing. Anything. But I didn't. I sat in silence until five minutes before I had to be back at work, then stood up, acting like this artist next to me did not exist. Someone who shared one of my greatest passions. Someone who may have proved to be an excellent conversationalist, or an introvert whose day I could have brightened by making a passing comment. But I'll never know. And I thought to myself as I walked slowly back to work, it's so sad that we live in a society where two people can be placed in such close proximity and not pass a single word, not even an acknowledgement of the other human being living and breathing beside them.
Just a thought.
Friday, 23 July 2010
I've been having horrible dreams which range from being sexual to downright horrific, with a recurring cast of people I know. When I wake up, if I don't have to get up for anything, I have this horrible reflection period, which sometimes actually leads me to not being able to get out of bed. A classic symptom of depression.
I'm getting close to breaking point. I have quite a bit of dirt on a few people, and right now I feel so depressedly self-centred that I feel like smearing it all over the faces of the people they love, just so I don't have to be the only one that feels like this (and for a good old fashioned bit of personal gain). and i HATE that, I hate that I feel this way, it's sickening. So sickening in fact, that I haven't been able to eat without feeling sick for the last couple of days, all I've wanted to do is sleep.
I just need someone to be there for me, and everyone's busy and has other people that need them and I CAN'T DO THIS. The fact that I have a hell of a lot of Valium, Paracetamol and Codeine sitting in my room is not good for me. Oh yeah, I got put on a ton of drugs for my neck pain. it was fucking lovely. Two days of sitting on my sofa in contented sleepy boredom, barely a thought went through my mind. Staring at a colourful pencil seemed on par with watching television. If I don't get a boyfriend soonish, tranquilizers seem like a beautiful alternative. lol.
Friday, 2 July 2010
I've been assigned to a psychotherapist. ha. yay.
This blog seems like an outlet for my feelings, but in fact, i think writing it makes me dwell over things and actually more depressed when I'm sad. so i'm going to STOP being an idiot and writing every day, and i'll only write when i have something cool to say.
so yeah, bye bitches :)
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Hehe, kinda cute, desu ne? apparently it was a marriage proposal which failed lololol. if someone proposed to me like this, however, i doubt i could refuse. mmmm nerds. and he's obviously a damn good shot, might come in handy in a fight..
I'm currently listening to metal versions of Zelda songs. HELL YESSSS.
Takeway and chocolate and lazing around and zelda music makes kat a happy bunny. for once. yay yay. I wrote a poem last night. I might put it up some time. watch this space.
Tuesday, 29 June 2010
the sad thing is,
I think it's true.
my room is in tatters, a perfect metaphor for my current mental state. everything got ripped off a small portion of my wall yesterday, so there's a wall scroll lying crumpled, a curtain hanging by a thread, and a picture I made hanging sideways. oh.. please help me straighten up again, please just let me be happy.
I actually feel guilty for being sad when I have friends that have much worse problems than myself, i feel so terrible. i'm so sorry i'm like this.
I have so much to do tonight. better get cracking. adios.
Monday, 28 June 2010
On a stickier note, it's SO FUCKING HOT. I think i'm melting. i'm okay when i just lie still, but I've done at least 3 periods of reasonably strenuous exercise today, and even just walking down the stairs is seeming like torture, arghhhh. sweaty sweaty. but meh, if you're not sweaty, you haven't tried hard enough. least i know i've probably burned some calories! although i dunno if that still stands in heat like this..
I gave my friend a list of things that had made me cry yesterday, and he replied "kat, you're scaring me.. see a therapist?" haha. forgotten a couple probably, but here's the list:
america's got talent
a baby milk advert
putting my toothbrush upside down in the icky toothbrush holder
buying new clothes but looking fat in them when i got them home
my face in general
a tiny doll i saw on the motorway roadside
my grandma talking about me getting married and having kids
a spider that a lady flicked and then it looked really ill
it goes on, but i think that's probably enough. maybe i should see a therapist... lol, i'm happy enough today though, had a pretty good day, no tears. just sleepy. hot and sleepy.
Friday, 25 June 2010
we've started to do it in psychology, in quite a major way. i thought it would be horrible, but i'm actually, dare i say it.. ENJOYING it. I love simple maths, it satisfies my urge to solve problems and be right.
i'm going for a walk now, I may try to capture the sunset on camera.
I LOVE LIBERATION, i want to be free as a bird
i'm currently reading Le Morte d'Arthur, which I'm enjoying a lot more than I thought I would. i would say, i shouldn't have judged it by its cover, but in actual fact the cover is lovely, a beautiful pre-raphaelite painting entitled, oh so fittingly, wait for it... Le Morte d'Arthur. it's not the cover as such that made me make such an assumption, more the sheer size (it's a brick of 843 pages), and also the fact that it was written in the fifteenth century. however, despite these aspects which could be regarded as flaws, the story is pretty gripping. lots of knights gallavanting around on horses and killing each other and courting fair maidens. lovely stuff.
anyway. i'm hungry and tired, so am going in search of food and relaxation. adios amigos.
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
oh, there's a hedgehog in my garden.
"hi, you're really cute, bye"
I'm good at talking to animals.
i also just had a flashback of touching a hedgehog and laughing that it 'felt like a brush'. who the hell was that with? a guy sometime late at night, could have been one of a few.
i have SO much to buy from college, loads of things to return to. also going to a barbecue tomorrow. need money, please pay me john lewis!
I don't know if I'm sad or not. i want a hug, either way. i don't care if you crush my ribs again, i just want to feel wanted.
Going to bed. sleep is something i seem to shoo away for no particular reason, it's a nice release. like that time i was sitting with people i really did not want to be with and was trying to make excuses not to leave; why did I do that? I confuse myself sometimes. that was a good night in the end.
oh. i LITERALLY can't wait for so many things. i know i criticised you for saying that, but i know how you feel.
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
It's funny how this is a place that I should feel I can say what I want, my own little place to be me. but I can't. i'm pretty damn sure that a fair few people occasionally tune into my crazed scribblings that I just couldn't expose my heart and soul to. there are some things I keep inside that not even all my close friends know, and oh how I hate that. I'm such an open person, i like to tell people everything I'm feeling, everything i'm thinking. yeah, that makes me sound a bit stupid sometimes, when i vocalise weird little thoughts that most people just wave off and discard as ridiculous. i RELISH ridiculous. i think that's why we get on so well.
It's funny how you can be so stupid. let's leave that point hanging, i feel elaboration would be unfair.
It's funny how I'm going to pieces but i'm also fine. my mind has these constant conflicts which buzz and trip over each other and fill up my thinking space. i'll be in a lesson and suddenly realise that i haven't been listening for the last fifteen minutes and would be struck clueless if called upon for an answer. yet, I have days where I feel on top of the world. bi-polar much?
It's funny how I can cry, screw that, WEEP over a book, but still feel happy. I can cry over someone else's miscarriage, someone else's death, and it doesn't matter, they're not real. it's silly that I cry in the first place really, but I love to get involved in these strange worlds, totally and utterly. It's just lovely to be able to cry, but not think about myself. it feels liberating. I spend so much time obsessing on what could be, what could have been, what never was. it's stupid, I know it is, but I cant help it.
How funny life is. hahahaha.
~ "good joke.
Monday, 21 June 2010
i don't want to be at college, didn't really enjoy this first day back. hopefully it will improve. japanese exam on thursday, i'mma wing it. ouch i burnt my tongue. how could you ever think i'd get bored with you? silly thing to say, really. mm oreos. got a ton of homework already. i'll do it later. my bad attitude returns. tomorrow should be nice. I need a hug. short sentences. I wanna go to reading now. berlin first though. got a few things to look forward to I guess.
I had so much to say earlier.. it seems to have
well here's something. i love xkcd.. here's one i just stumbled across. if i ever end up in a fantasy, rest assured that i'll burn that fucking place to the ground :)
gonna go read, bye.
Sunday, 20 June 2010
it came up in conversation briefly, and then passed by, but it hit me like a stone and I was left reeling. Surely she wouldn't want him to? but it's a big big house for one person alone. Beautiful, but it has far too much empty space to drift and wallow in. however, if the eventuality DOES come to pass that it's let go of, it's a property I would consider watching like a hawk if I ever earn enough money. it's so so pretty, the garden is an idyllic paradise. i used to catch butterflies that landed on the.. what's that plant called? ah, it'll come to me. used to call it the butterfly bush. i've never been much good with plant names.
anyway. i've gone off on a tangent.
i'm not sure why it upset me so much, but ever since someone made a passing comment about it the other day, i started thinking about that house. i can imagine myself standing at the cooker, pots bubbling, creating beautiful aromas. of course, being me, there's also splashes and mess everywhere, but one day i'll learn to cook, even if I will probably still be messy. the study and/or the conservatory would be used for art. my studios. i could maybe even convert one of the bedrooms. there are four, more than enough. my art studio(s) would be AMAZING, my own space to attempt to create beauty from nothing. it'd be like playing god. and of course there's the dressing room, which would be like a walk-in wardrobe, the living room to curl up by the fire, the dining room for big family dinners and the en-suite bathroom for bubble baths.
we drove past a field nearby, and i could picture myself: slightly chubby but not fat, my hair longer and curlier, cheeks flushed from the morning air but spotless skin otherwise (something i can currently only imagine), wearing wellies and trousers and a t shirt, with a dog bounding along in front of me. I could be a country lass. if i raised children, I think the country would be lovely, at least while they were very young. we'd have chickens too, and i'd get up in the morning to gather eggs. sigh. and there's me saying you shouldn't focus on hypothetical situations, what a hypocrite!
Saturday, 19 June 2010
Well. that's something I wrote this morning whilst bored. it's a true story, woo.
i want to create constellations.
university can't come soon enough.
friends give me this warm feeling inside that I'm just not sure you do.
i'm confident in myself for pretty much the first time.
working hard is essential, can't let myself slip.
i'm so lucky, forgot my railcard and could have been fined for travelling without it, and no one checked my ticket.
big jumpers are the nicest thing. it's like a hug.
if all fails, i'mma be a stripper.
y'know what? i'm pretty happy.
Thursday, 17 June 2010
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
alors... j'ai travaille presque tous les jours cette semaine, et grace a ca, je suis assez fatiguee. cependant, j'aime le travail. il me permet d'eviter les autres choses dans ma vie que je voudrais d'oublier, comme les disputes, l'isolation, l'ennuie que j'ai tous les temps. et aujourd'hui, j'ai eu un chose pour faire les billets pour les vetements, c'etait simple, et j'ai pu parler avec les autres qui faissaient la meme chose que moi. je fera la meme chose demain, ce sera choutte, je suis sur. je l'attends avec un bon humeur.
et, toi? tu me fait mal. je suis toute seule trop de temps.. comment de temps ca sera continuer? s'il te plait, penser de tous les choses tu m'as dit. je ne comprends pas. je vais faire un list, peut-etre il le fera plus facile pour toi.
Biensur, je dois ecrire des mots de toi aussi ! je suis tellement en colere.. plus colere que j’etais en tout ma vie. Et il n’arrete pas. Tu es fou, tel tel fou.
~lorsque tour a tour dans ma vie que je n't'ai pas vu de la semaine, que je dis comme une litanie a mon oreiller que je t'aime
il me reste cet air-la qui vient me parler de toi, car en chantant cet air-la, je ne peux penser qu'a toi~
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
I want to be eighteen, i want to have perfect skin, i want my hair to be a decent colour and length, i want to see the world and make friends everywhere, i want to be loved for who i am, i want to go university (but i also don't), i want the people i've lost back, i want some people i unfortunately still have around to just go away, i want to find a band who are perfect and listen to them all day, i want to do nothing, i want to do something, i don't want conflict but i don't want complacent boredom; i want so many fucking things i just. can't. have.
I COULD SCREAM AND SCREAM
this day was meant to be relaxing, this day was meant to be fun. i'm sitting on my own waiting for something that might not happen, wasting my life wishing and waiting. the same thing I do every day. how long before i crack? i always knew this was a bad idea, i just can't stop my thought processes, irrationality is my forte.
I'm so sorry that i can't be who we both want me to be, and that I had to resort to rejection. when you've got that face on, i just don't know what to say to you. being wanted by people either side of you is a nice feeling, even if one part is probably just drunken affection. i like the thrill of the chase, i like to be liked. it's selfish of me, but as long as we're not involved it's fine. it's when it gets too deep that i have to say no. and it's funny how it wasn't me feeling too strongly this time. not ha ha funny.
how do I become a better person? I want to improve, someone must know how. tell me please.
Monday, 14 June 2010
I think i'm not good enough, just because i'm not the same as other people who i deem to be 'better' than myself. truth is, they're no better than me, i'm no better than them. we're just different.
last night, i went through almost all the bands who are going to be at reading 2010 and listened to a couple of their songs on spotify, to judge them and decide who i want to see. it used up a couple of hours and cheered me up. i'm so excited. 73 days to go now.
i had work today. the highlight was serving a very confused, eccentric chinese lady with cataracts and a hearing aid. she amused me, and was sweet. i also served the lady with the thick russian accent who i've served twice before, and she advised me to dye my hair, as she thinks it would look better darker. maybe i will take your advice, woman. a stranger's advice can sometimes be the best you're going to get.
going to goldsmith's college open day on saturday to see where i can get to if i do well. yay.
Sunday, 13 June 2010
anyway. i've made an observation recently. there's this feeling i get a lot. it's halfway between extreme melancholy and extreme euphoria. it feels like there's a big weight on my chest; everything's constricted and it's hard to breathe, but that pressure is also somewhat comforting.. it's just a feeling that nothing else matters, only what's happening at present, and that nothing else even exists any more. this feeling can be brought on by really emotive romantic music (romantic as in the period of classical music, not music about love), reading or watching something that touches me, and by.. well. you. the only way i can think to describe this feeling, is as being in love. it's the most amazing and horrible thing, but despite its bad points, i live for it. i wish i could live feeling like that all the time.
Saturday, 12 June 2010
i have stupidly volunteered to work tomorrow, monday, wednesday and thursday. i'm going to feel ever so dead. but money is fun times. and on wednesday and thursday i get to make price labels YAY FUN. not. meh, it might be, i like mindless repetitive tasks.
i hate how you smell because it makes me miss you.
i hate how YOU smell because it makes me vomit.
i hate when i walk past someone and they smell like someone you know, and it brings up so many emotions that you could just do without.
and i can't WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN NOT FUCKING WAIT
life is so mundane
i want some excitement now, it'll have to wait
Friday, 11 June 2010
a) get what i want
b) get thrown off course by someone
c) do nothing all day
i don't like my lifee. i had tea and cake for breakfast today though, that was pretty sweet. and have a day of nothing ahead of me. just don't feel like doing anything. so atm, it's option c). huzzah.
come find me, come save me. you know you want to.
Thursday, 10 June 2010
now i've got that out, exams are OVER, baby;
no more revision
no more panicking
and too much thinking
soooo.. I shall do lots of art! lots and lots of pretty pictures. i've started one, it's of an angel. she's sad, and naked (but cleverly retaining most of her dignity with a cunningly placed wing), holding a human heart which is bleeding on her hand. i like this picture, can't wait to finish it. it's been so long since i had time for myself. it's nice.
had a nice time today in town, and a nice time having a post exam celebratory cake.
and... i'm a fucking bitch, i hate me. fuck off, me.
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
I HATE SOCIAL POLITICS
today I went out for lunch and it was nice, though i ate too much. i also bought a new sketchpad, which i was in DIRE need of, i'd started to resort to drawing on lined paper, which is seriously uncool. if i drew something amazing on lined paper i'd never forgive myself, things never come out the same the second time around. so yeah, gonna do some drawing. hopefully i can make something beautiful to pass the time.
and it's raining.
wanna be out in it
i want to runnnnnnnnn
preferably not alone
Tuesday, 8 June 2010
so far away
come on i'll take you far away
let's get away
come on let's make a getaway
once you have loved someone this much
you doubt it could fade despite how much you'd like it to
god, how you'd like it, you'd like it to fade
let's fade together
let's fade forever
if we get away
you know we might just stay away
so stay awake
oh why the hell should i stay awake?
when you're far away
you are so far
i looked at your wall
saw an old passport photograph
i look like i've just jumped the berlin wall
berlin, i love you
starting to fade
let's fade together
let's fade forever
Monday, 7 June 2010
lots of fatty food extortionately priced
lots of pepsi max
lot of sitting/lying around
"bacon: it's just like lettuce, but meatier. but not"
Simon cowell getting pwnnnned
big squishy crowds
police on horses
to cockfosters again
car, including petrol fail
all in all a good day, my summary probably missed out loads of awesome stuff but ah well. and when i got home i found a pound coin in my bra, yay, profit! lol
thank you for driving us Matt ^^
just to reiterate.. fuck you i won't do what you tell me :D
and now to fail my exams/life, wooooooooooooo, i really shouldn't get into big messes which I seem to do all the time... oh well! as is life
Saturday, 5 June 2010
i watched the human centipede, it's not as scary or gross as i thought it'd be.
i'm really tired so i'm going to bed soon.
this is really
octavarium is lovely
i can't stop singing ke$ha, oh dear
and... i want to run away. join me, anyone?
Thursday, 3 June 2010
sometimes it's just nice to cry for the hell of it, gets out the nasty hormones. i'm scared what's going to happen to me on these drugs, i think it might be painful. i'm also scared about exams, and some other things. it'd be nice to have someone there for me right about now.
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
y'know what i hate? words. there are some words which just hearing them uttered can make me feel sick, or make me angry. i can be perfectly fine and read something, then feel like shit.
but they can also be so amazing. it's odd how replacing words in a video with a silly word can be so hilarious, and make me laugh more than i have in months. and also, how someone can say something to you that just makes you feel so happy, something which is just the thing you want to hear. when that happens, it makes you realise that there IS some good in life. even if you don't think what they're saying is necessarily all that sincere, it's just nice to know people care about you enough to say it, y'know? that's happened to me a couple of times recently, where i've just felt a big surge of love for someone who's said something really nice to me. i just really need that at the moment, and i love to bits anyone who makes the effort to cheer me up.
but yeah.. i'mma sandwich that nice little sentiment with something else bad, i'm afraid. i want to move out. or he can move out, either way is good for me. i hate him, i really really do. i was revising earlier, and now i can't because he was a total bastard to me and i just lost it, my mind's not right now. at the moment, men just really seem to not be doing well in my life.. stepdad's a twat, dad is losing his mind (what little there was of it), and relationship wise? lol, don't even go there. i think i've been broken, i can't bring myself to look at anyone new the same way any more. just got to wait around for a while i guess before someone treats me right again. but how much longer?
Saturday, 29 May 2010
anyway. it's a saturday, and usually I'd be at work, but i have the day off today. should be a 'yay!' moment but i'm
b o r e d d d d.
I need some entertainment, some pizazz. or pizza. ah it's been way too long since i had domino's. mmmm fat.
i want someone to call me and ask me to do something. I'm too indecisive and lazy to think of a person and activity myself. blehhh. if i don't have some excitement soon, i shall become cynical and misanthropic, like a female charlie brooker. at least then i'd have my wit to amuse me.
Thursday, 27 May 2010
-Maude Clare walked "with lofty step and mien"
-"His bride was like [the/a?] village maid, Maude Clare was like a queen"
-"and what you spurn, I'll wear"
-"I'll love him til he loves me best"
-"here's my half of the golden chain you wore about your neck
that day we waded ankle deep for lillies in the beck"
-"to bless the board, to bless the marriage bed"
-"take my share of a fickle heart"
-"The door was shut, I looked between
its iron bars and saw it lie
my garden, mine, beneath the sky
pied with all flowers bedewed and green"
-"a violet bed is budding near
in which a lark has made her nest
and good they are, but not the best
and dear they are, but not so dear"
-"a shadowless spirit [guards?] the gate
blank and unchanging like the grave"
A Better Resurrection:
-Heaven is referred to as "the sap of Spring"
-"my life is in the falling leaf"
-"dwindled to a husk"
-"my heart is like a stone"
-"O Jesus, quicken me"
-"O Jesus, drink of me"
-"I have not smiled much since
then, nor have not questioned much"
-"you took my heart and set it down"
-"it is not ripe"
Winter: My secret:
-"I tell my secret? no, not I"
-"you are too curious; fie!"
-"come bounding and surrounding me
come buffeting, astounding me"
-"I wear my mask for warmth"
-"froze and blows and snows"
-"nor March with its peck of dust
nor April with its rainbow crowned brief showers"
-"you shall not peck?"
-"perhaps my secret I shall tell
or you may guess"
-"plant no roses at my head,
nor shady cypress tree"
-"we must not look at goblin men"
-"come buy, come buy!"
Summer is ended:
-"To think that this was ever a rose
scentless, colourless, this!"
-"bent we cannot re-bend"
-"and smite a rock"
well that's all I can really think of... enjoy.
Wednesday, 26 May 2010
I don't have much to say today. apart from, if i fail exams, i'mma be a stripper. yaaaay. i hate capital letters. they can die.
And I just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed, and I take back all the things I said to you.
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Saturday, 22 May 2010
unfortunately, there was something not quite right about what should have been a sunny tranquil scene. a woman walked into our view and sat on a bench nearby, within earshot, and hopelessly asked the passers-by for change, most of whom didn't bat an eyelid. i almost cried. she was so thin, every vein in her arms was visible, her hair hanging limply against her sunken features. we sat for a while, but in the end it was too much to bear. i gave her all the small change i had, which was about 30 or 40p, some of it in coppers. i could smell her as i handed her the pitiful coins, but she seemed to be greatful. i hate being so well off yet still thinking i'm not, isn't it horrible?
and just a warning, i'm not in a good mood generally at the moment. be careful, i could get angry, who knows what i could do if the mood took me. stay on my good side.
Friday, 21 May 2010
i woke up, felt a little bit bad, but tried to stay positive. then me and jess went to town and sunbathed/revised, which was ever so loverly! she's such an awesome friend, I'm lucky to have her. she's one of only about four people that i feel i can tell everything to. much love for her for brightening up my day! and also for asking 'what's the sun?' instead of 'what's the time?', which was most amusing (had to be there).
an australasian/south african (terrible, but i can't really tell the difference) man sat next to us on a bench at one point. he wandered over and said 'excuse me girls, may i set down? my tourist's legs are killing me', we said yeah sure, i made a passing comment about the weather, then me and jess resumed our conversation. at the time it was fine, but when he left i just thought, ah crap. should have talked to him. we could have brightened up his day, given him some cambridge culture, but no, we were selfish and stayed in our own little bubble. i wish i thought of things more at the TIME rather than afterwards. i always do that.
I had to babysit my little brother today. at first, i suddenly got into one of my horrible depressive moods, and thought fuck it, i'm just gonna say he can watch tv and i'll do my own thing but then i had a sudden change of heart; the broodiness i've been getting lately, might as well put it to good use, eh? consequently, i did all the laundry and put it on the line, made him dinner (didn't bother making any for me), and talked to him until he went to bed, about things i thought i was completely uninterested in, but i actually really enjoyed it. made me feel pretty good about myself, and i also now am convinced that i would make a good mother. lol, bit of a quick assumption i know, but i know i can do it.
on the same subject of my crazy hormonal self, just watched 'embarassing bodies: kids'. firstly, they had a girl on with polycystic ovaries, who had to 'struggle to come to terms with a lifelong condition'. i feel your pain, honey. secondly, there was a little girl who had to have an operation, and her mum pissed me off so much, i just wanted to steal her away. she was the most adorable little thing, i literally cried at her on the operating table. lol at me, what a dork.
work tomorrow. feel too dead. death is a reason to not go to work, riiiight? gonna watch comedy and be happy now, ciao.
Thursday, 20 May 2010
i feel angry/my uterus or ovaries or whatever the hell it is that hurts feels (and sounds, scarily enough) like it's falling apart yet i still haven't had a period in god knows how long/i want to start arguments with everyone/i keep almost hitting people when they touch me, even if they accidentally brush my arm, yet i want affection from random people/every time i see a small child i melt inside a little, i want one - maybe not the best idea right now..
anyway. moving on! exams soon. not too worried, but i'm a little bit too relaxed about the things that matter atm.. things that don't matter at all, on the other hand, i'm going crazy about.
a good thing though, is that there is no more college, yay! no more dreary lessons and early starts for a month. I was told that i should be more happy. so... happy smiley kat time! hmm.. something good... i watched the doctor who from last saturday today. was really good, made me cry a bit, ha. although partially because i've gone all weird and broody and amy was pregnant and her husband died... and yeah, me being weird again!
i want to go away, to the beach maybe, for a couple of days soon. it would be so lovely to get away and just chillaxxxxx, i'm in need of some serious r&r. take me away from here, pretty please? i won't be a burden, promise. this is me, i'm sunshines and rainbows all the time ^^
i can dream.
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
so. my name is katherine rebecca beatty. name chosen by my father, i believe, rebecca my middle name as it is the name of two of my mother's best friends. surname of irish origin, from my father's side. most of my friends call me kat, and have done since year 6, when my teacher Miss Brook started calling me it out of the blue and it caught on.
when someone asks me my name, if not rushed, i answer kat. that's what everyone calls me. but, i've found, if i'm nervous or pushed to answer quickly, i answer katherine. hence why everyone at work called me katherine for the first few months. it's odd.. who am I? really? do i still want to be katherine, that little girl who was podgy and shy? I guess yeah, I do. it was so much simpler. i was top student in my class, had a ton of friends, no dirty secrets to keep, no terrible habits.
i want to be katherine again.
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
feeling pretty sleepy, pretty apathetic. again. ah well. beats being sad.
two days of college left before exams, eek! but looking forward to study leave. i really hope it's good, i have so much time without exams to just chill, need to find something to do. oh yeah, there's this illustration competition which i desperately want to win, better get my drawing hat on.
Monday, 17 May 2010
who knows what the lyrics are. i like it though. either way. so fitting a title.
i feel so empty. i'm not even unhappy, that's the sad thing.
i'm sorry i hurt you. please forgive me. but it wasn't fair on either of us. ha, i just realised which level this brings me down to. i'm living my life backwards, aren't I?
atom to atom, can you see it on me, love? atom to atom, oh what's the matter with me, love?
Sunday, 16 May 2010
it's funny how i spend my whole life waiting for something which is going to be amazing, and, occasionally, i get to live those amazing moments, but for the most part, it's just disappointment that ensues. and even when the things i look forward to really are as wonderful as i imagined, soon they're just a memory.
i live for things that happened long ago: lying on a trampoline in the sunshine and watching the birds; coming dowstairs to find someone i've never met with a cake for me; riding bikes in the dark and making cat noises. i live for the future: the house with the pastel pallette and lace curtains, and the little french end tables; the days of letting my imagination flow from my pen; the nights feeling safe.
but where's the point in all that?
i need to live now.
Thursday, 13 May 2010
you know what they say: curiosity killed the kat.
lol, that reminds me, the other day I called my friend 'kat' whilst asking if i could have some of his, yes HIS, drink. I'm going craaazy.
Another thing which is annoying me: everyone is getting blogs now since I did. Rarrrr, i started it. and also, i'm going to fail english. and also, i'm probably going to have to take drugs all my life and might not be able to have kids. which sucks sucks SUCKS. If i got pregnant now i would keep it, hands down. i don't care about anything atm.
Monday, 10 May 2010
lol back. that sums me up really, i always announce things like that which people think are 'impolite'. like, period pains. why do people say "my stomach hurts" when "my uterus hurts" is much more accurate? silly that people get grossed out by that
omgg just got sent a pretty sick dub mix. i liiiiike. I've spent my afternoon/evening with cider, cosmo and custard creams. yes pleeeaaase. screw this 'revision', whatever the hell it is.
Sunday, 9 May 2010
the love for what you hide, the bitterness inside, is growing like the new born~
Okay. i'm a little calmer now. apologies for my last entry, must have been a tad scary..
went to a party last night, was pretty good minus the inevitable couples' arguments that ensued. didn't get too much of a hungover, probably due to eating lots of crisps and drinking lots of coke and water. good girl.
i want this week to be gone. but then again i want it to last forever. i don't really know what i want anymore. i wish someone could just tell me what to do. anyone wanna volunteer? would be much appreciated.
my feelings have gone all crazy. i shouldn't feel this way and I'm SO glad i didn't say anything.
~Destroy the spineless, tell me it's real, wasting our last chance to come away;
just break the silence, because i'm drifting away.. away from you~
Friday, 7 May 2010
and as for the thing that's been plaguing my mind and making me tbh quite miserable, people can be SO disgusting, selfish, sickening. I can't BELIEVE it. i just can't. how could this happen to someone i love? horrible horrible horrible. i've totally lost my appetite today. i want to protect everyone i love, but it's so upsetting knowing you can't, and once things inevitably do happen, you're powerless. what's done is done. you FUCKING CUNT. i'm so angry.
oh my GOD i'm so livid. help.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
so yeah. conclusion of this ordeal is that i have polycystic ovaries. this means that i may not be able to have babies. this means that my function as a human female is pointless, and i will be very sad if it is the case.
in a perfect world, they'd give me some hormone drugs that would make my acne vanish, my tits huge and my ovaries uber fertile.
shame we don't live in a perfect world. i wanna sleep for weeks.
Monday, 3 May 2010
well, today i have been to the beehive centre with my mum, and pottered around looking at odd brick-a-brack and hamsters. this made me feel very at ease with the world. it's nice to talk to mum properly, never usually get a chance.
secondly, yesterday i drunkenly walked home late in the dark, cold and slight rain, and suddenly 'bare necessities' from the jungle book popped into my head, and i just thought, that couldn't be more true.
look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife!
what a brilliant sentiment. we don't need everything, all these material things which i convince myself i 'need' are often so stupid, so trivial. to be happy, there's just a few things i need, and last night i was pretty sure that i had them all. and so i walked home, singing to myself like a lunatic, and feeling on top of the
f u c k i n g
Sunday, 2 May 2010
Feeling pretty postive (OMG), started running almost every day, which is giving me a feeling of not being a lazy worthless human being. yay. hmm.. what's on my mind..
i guess just that i don't really know what to do atm. do i revise? have fun? both? i dunno what's gonna help me more, since i need to be happy during exams, or as happy as i can be, to get optimum exam taking kat to shine out.
i have half the day off work on the 15th may and the whole day off on the 29th, yay for not working! although i do quite like work atm.
oh yeah, something i was gonna put in here. recently i've realised im a total facebook perve. i stalk people soooo much. it is NOT good! i walked past Chloe Isitt the other day - I'm not even FRIENDS with her on facebook... we just have a lot of mutual friends and i somehow now feel like a know her.. freaky freaky. if she reads this... then lol, hi, you musta stalked me too.
another thing that's freaking me out. i keep thinking about you. why? why why why? wtf is up with me... never thought THIS would happen. but hm. i'll see.
Thursday, 29 April 2010
I'm a very silly girl. a very silly girl indeed. i'm never happy. never ever. apart from those rare days when everything just seems 10^6s better. rare rare days. i would give anything to have more of them. and i mean that. why won't fate smile on me? forget logic, morals, sense.. c'mon you're all i need, just give me something to look forward to and i'll be happy.
rachel just sent me a link to something called 'Baman and piderman' on youtube. it made me happies. i love her :D
Wednesday, 28 April 2010
on a more depressing note - oh THERE she goes - i'm not feeling tooooo happy. feeling a bit used, unwanted and unloved tbh. dunno if it's true, just a bit deflated from being ill so i guess i'm not in the best place to make judgements.
watched inglourious basterds (god those spelling mistakes pain me to type) yesterday, suchhh a good film. Tarantino is amazing, with his love of gratuitous violence. at one point i shouted 'DIE NAZIS' at the screen. the mark of a good film methinks.
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
anyway. i have an exam tomorrow. probably my most important exam, on reflection, as art is all i really care about. shit. i did NOT think about it like that before. anyway.
my head hurts
i feel sick
my nose feels like theres cotton wool jammed up it so i cant breathe
my throat feels like sandpaper
but i shall not worrryyyy. i shall be happy. must drill that thought into my head.. happy happy happy. maybe i'll get some work done today.
Thursday, 22 April 2010
Sunday, 18 April 2010
Friday, 16 April 2010
Mum: are you working?
Mum: why not?
Me: i don't want to.
Mum: are you going to get it all done?
Me: I don't know
Mum: are you going to panic on sunday?
then she just sighed and walked out. i've just made the decision that i don't like capital letters whilst online. seems irrelevant. anyway. i'm a messssss. had a huge argument with my parents in front of one of my best friends today and that made me feel bad. sigh.
work tomorrow. i actually really enjoy it these days, being on sasu 2 with cool people is really quite enjoyable, even if some customers infuriate me almost to the point of tears. if i was at home it would be the same but with parents and homework, so hey.
i want the future now now now now now.
i have plans. i want THAT life. it sounds so amazing. it better happen. i've got my hopes up now.
Monday, 12 April 2010
I should sleep more rather than staying up late for silly reasons. Silly Katface.
Am I hoping for a miracle? It's not enough.
Sorry this is kinda fragmented. pretty much how I feel right now.
Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers,
starts so soft and sweet and turns them to
h u n t e r s
Thursday, 8 April 2010
I feel like going for a run or something. But since I haven't gone straight away, I know I won't. I doubt I'll still want to tomorrow. But hey, maybe I will. Maybe, I'll wake up at about 9am, go for a run, have a shower, and face the day feeling positive.
Everything I see at the moment looks like art. The cherry trees are blossoming, and the clouds all look so fresh and billowing. I love spring, I wish I could paint everything, all in one picture. It would be so beautiful.
Wednesday, 7 April 2010
I can't wait for my new bedroom furniture and shoes to arrive! It'll be damn cool. Dark brown/blackish drawers and wardrobe are gonna look really good in my room I hope.
So yeah, watched the new Doctor Who today. They even changed the title screen and music and logo! AND THE DOCTOR'S CLOTHES... Wow. It's... very different. But not too bad. Although Matt Smith isn't as bad as I thought he would be, I think he tries too hard to be David Tennant, who is infinitely better by default. I hope the new series is good. Otherwise Russell T Davies will FEEL MY WRATH! Well, he won't, but... y'know. I'll be pretty peeved.
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
So I'm living at Rachel's for a couple of days! The plan is to watch Doctor Who and... other stuff we planned and I can't remember. But should be cool beans. And I get to see Ralphy today SHOCK HORROR. I hate him not being allowed out blehh.
I just bought an £85 pair of DMs from some random dodgy online shoeshop. THEY BETTER FIT. I tried them on in Schuh yesterday but in a smaller size, and they were kinda tight, so hopefully these will fit. Yay yay!
Need to get some proper sleep at some point. Half 12 last night, 4am the night before.. god knows the night before that. Lol.
Thursday, 1 April 2010
I need a hug. But also feel really misanthropic.
People that currently infuriate me: Stupid people, arrogant people, over friendly people, people who ask too many questions, patronising people, people who won't shut up, people who talk out of their arses, liars... Okay I've realised this will be a VERY long list, so I'mma stop. But you get the picture. As Slipknot so aptly put it, right now I wholeheartedly agree that people = shit.
Oh, and I want a wardrobe. Like, REALLY want a wardrobe.
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
- A suit of armour
- A giraffe
- An aviary of pretty birds
- A large collection of Japanese tableware
- Every CLAMP manga/anime
- A tank (Sheeiiilaaaa!)
- A servant/slave
The list goes on. I've been spending way too much money. Now have a new iPod nano and the new Pokemon game. My life rocks.
Friday, 26 March 2010
I am now seventeen years old.
I went to the dentist today and I have a chipped tooth and need a filling.
I now have a boyfriend named George Ralph. We call him Ralphy. He's really quite lovely.
I want to make something beautiful, but I can't.
I feel angry. But also quite happy. Tinged with sadness.
I may have an ovarian cist.
College is going to drive me to insanity.
It's been a while since I last wrote here. Not that anyone reads this anyway, but I forgot how nice it is to vent at computer screen. Even the tap tap of my fingers seems quite therapeutic. So. Right now I feel so erratic that I could just die. I'm happy sad angry hyper tired manic FUCKED UP. I had a blood test and they said I have odd hormone levels. At least I have something to blame.
I always have odd little thoughts that I think I'll post here, and forget them almost instantly. I'll try remember next time.
Here's one little insight into my mind. My clock necklace. I wanted one for years, and finally have one, which pleases me. A little chain to wear round my neck, I always know the time and it's Alice-esque. I wanted a silver one, but gold was all I could get. And I didn't pay for it, I got Laura to take it for me. I'm becoming quite thrifty these days. It's not really very good I suppose, I have £700 in the bank, but I like the buzz.
Anyway. Mum's bitching at me. Bye.
Friday, 8 January 2010
I've been thinking an awful lot lately, maybe too much, mostly about the future and what I'm actually going to do with my life.
So.. Now until the end of college. I try really hard. I work like a madwoman. I attain good grades. THIS BETTER HAPPEN. Hopefully at the same time, I gain a lovely boyfriend who will help me achieve this.
After college, my options are: gap year and work, art foundation course at CRC, or straight to uni. At the moment, I think the art foundation course seems the most appealing, but that's subject to change. However, since I'm liking that most at the moment, I shall go with that for my life plan.
So I do the course, earn cash along the way, pass and get into a good uni, have fun at uni, during my first year I'll be a bit off the rails, before settling down and living with the love of my life. Shh, it could happen. If not, with some good friends :)
After uni.. I get an awesome job that I love, maybe an illustrator. I live in a little studio apartment at first; it's tiny but I love it. I litter the walls and the shelves with posters and mementos that just scream ME. I go to Japan to teach English as a foreign language. I'm happy happy happy. I have a pet or two.. I maybe get a kitten or a lizard. Hey, I can get both. Although I'm not rich, so maybe a kitten will suffice. Or two kittens, don't want them to be lonely. Two kittens. A dog is too much work. I travel when I can, when I have enough money. I don't have anything expensive, but I don't need it. I get a big inheritance when my grandparents pass away, which I try to save, but end up splashing out (I think this is inevitable). I get married to someone equally as lame as me during my mid to late twenties, and we're so happy. I possibly have a baby.. I have names! How lame. If it's a girl: Alice, Freya or Lydiah, and if it's a boy, I think Alfie is cute. Yeah, it sounds like a dog name, but it's so adorable!
Anyway, I'm delving too deep into this. Basically, I'm growing up too fast and I'm scared. So I'm making plans to try and give myself some kind of direction. What I DO NOT WANT is:
- A 9-5 job which will make me want to kill myself in the end.
- To be alone
- To fail
So I'm hoping my life will turn out well. We'll see. Please bring me a good life, Lady Luck.
And oh.. FYI, yeah, I guess I do love you. Was there any point asking? How could I not?