The future.

So, my resumption of this blog seemed cheery enough.. Unfortunately, I find it hard to keep happiness up for long.

I've found myself with too much alone time recently, which is never a good thing if I have things to mull over. In fact, it lead to me taking a pregnancy test today in the vain hope I'd be pregnant and have a purpose. But of course, I am not, having an uninhabitable uterus and all that jazz. I live in hope that wishful thinking will one day overcome this.

On that subject, I also had a dreadful thought chain about cancer and death and... yeah, I've gone a bit dark again. At least I'm not hurting anyone else right now though.

If something happened like... say, ovarian cancer which meant that I 100% couldn't have children, what would I do? I would have a bit of a moral dilemma. Having children is one of the only things I really desperately want to do, and I would feel as if I had failed my life if I couldn't. So, if I couldn't have children, would there be any point in carrying on? I mean, my family would probably be a bit sad if I died... This is my problem. I'm not afraid of dying, just afraid of dying unaccomplished, and if it's inevitable, why not speed it up?

I shouldn't be thinking things like this... la la laaa... happy thoughts..

Love in the lab

I'm doing data entry. Earned about fifty quid for sitting on my arse for three days. I feel fat from the lack of exercise but, ya know, I don't really care. Mmmmmmm-money.

I've noticed something with this job. At the university I'm analysing, there are so many departments with two people, a man and a woman, sharing a surname but the woman's email saying a different surname. This means that the woman joined the university with a different surname, her maiden name, and met the giver of her new surname at work. So adorable.. especially since they all look really nerdy...

Aaah nerd love <3

The past.

I just read through all your old blogs.

and

just one thing to say.

LOL.

We're all so stupid and naive and self-righteous and think we're kings and queens of our own little kingdoms and everyone else is so much worse than us. And the fact we keep it to ourselves, to the internet, where we can say anything and it seems so stupidly anonymous...

We should have talked about this a long time ago. We both know that. It's too late to save I guess, too much has happened. Though I'm all ears if you ever feel like it. I know we probably both have a lot to say. I know I do. So so much. But you seem to think you're the stronger person, so come forward if you want.

:)

(PS I think you're essentially a nice person. sorry we got mixed up in this)