君とずっと

Konnichiwa minasan.
Kyou wa-

Okay I can't keep up the japanese. I'm bored oh so bored and also kinda sad but don't really have a reason to be. Although please stop saying mean things about me, I'm doing nothing wrong.

I want someone to travel with, someone to wake up next to, someone to cook for.

I might eat some ice cream. haha, bet that'll please you. Ah well, as long as I retain podium position of thinness I'm okay. If I get too fat I can always not eat for a few days, yay.

So bored. I don't even have enough thoughts to fill a blog anymore. Hmm.. I might be buying a tv. I had a dream with sea creatures and a plane in it where two people I know died. I went to the train station earlier to buy a ticket but forgot my railcard, fail. Tomorrow is my last counselling appointment, before I resign myself to being depressed and crazy but can't afford any help. lolzzz.

braingonnarotttttttt..mrrrhhhhhhh.

I really should delete this blog before I say something stupid.

how long is this masquerade going to last?
every time i look at this website,
i get sad
sadder every time
nearly every time I read a blog, i cry
either one of them..
very deep stuff.
especially yours though
really can't handle that shit
god I need to get a grip
on life
in all the things I should be doing
no more excuses
great it's sorted
tomorrow I shall wake up and be dynamic!
or maybe I won't
can't tell the future before it happens, right?
ha
anyways..
night everyone who reads this
great talking to you
enjoy your respective evenings.
:)

This is how you remind me of what I really am.

I feel happy.
sad.
empty.
content.
horrific.

ARGH, stay stable for once! I've realised that there's probably only one thing that matters to me and it's oh so silly. I wish it didn't matter, it would improve my quality of life to no end.

My dad rolled me a few joints for Reading today lol, what a scummy life I lead. I'm gonna rot. but it doesn't matter, what do I have to lose? I read three chapters of a book for college today and think that's a huge acheivement for me, the girl who does nothing. who is lazy and then gets upset when she doesn't succeed. sigh, it used to be so much easier. It's hard to care about trivial things like college work when you don't feel like you have a purpose. Give it back to me?

She had so many friends, sliding through many hands.

Sigh.

Got my results today, ABBC. One of the Bs was ONE MARK off an A. So I'm going to retake a module to try and get an A, yay.

I wish I could work hard.
No.
I CAN work hard. And I will. I'll try my best. I really need to try, I need this.

I also need to sort my life out, I want stability.

Lastly. It only gets to you because you know I talk sense. from many things you've said, I know you agree at least in part. haha.

I wish I could skin up. hmf. I need to learn.

I wanna live in a lipstick jungle.

I just watched a documentary about a girl who went by the name of Beckii Cruel who got famous in Japan by doing dances on YouTube in cute outfits. She's living my dream.

To be like her I need to:
get perfect skin (i'm trying, it's hard)
grow my hair and cut it/care for it
lose weight, i know i'm not fat but i'm just not skinny enough
practice music or dancing or something
be amazing

maybe then you'll love me. I don't even know who you are any more.

Cold, you're so cold..

I've been having way too many horrible realisations recently.

I'm a whore.
When I get drunk I turn into a total idiot yet I continue to do so.
My ultimate goal in life isn't going anywhere.
I'm really alone.
I can't commit any more.

Why would you do this to me? I'm so broken, I can't let anyone in for more than a few weeks and then I flip out. I don't even know why, some have been so lovely.

But they're not you.

Help me please please please, I regret so much.

Fuck off am I thinking of a title.

I'm in a 'I'm sick of everything' mood today, how fun.

First off, I find it funny how after all this time, it took ME to end things, me to take a stand. Yeah, I liked how things were, but I just kept being left feeling so deflated and like everything is pointless. Unfortunately, that feeling is slowly creeping back anyway. The thing is, after you PROMISED we would spend that weekend together and we spent hours talking about and planning it, then you go and say actually, maybe not, I just can't think of you in the same way. horrible HORRIBLE thing to do. I'm so angry. so so so angry.

I hate people, I want them to all go away, especially you two, but even the people I'm supposed to like are driving me mad. I don't know what to do.

Some things come from nothing..

..Nothing seems to come from something.


Last Saturday, I had a lunch break from work and no one to spend it with. However, this was not a problem, as I like sitting by myself and contemplating things on my lunch breaks, I'm so tired that I need to rest everything, including my brain, to stop myself from spewing a garbled mish mash of nonsense at customers for the next four hours. So that's what I did this lunchtime; I got myself a bottle of Vitamin Water and a small chocolate bar (I hadn't been really eating, this seemed adequate for lunch) and walked to Christ's Pieces, where I headed straight across the grass to the nearest bench in sight with no one occupying it. The bench was the opposite side of the park to where I usually sit, and gave a whole new perspective to the scene. A group of what I assumed to be Chinese people were sitting in front of me, and I found that my eyes kept coming to rest on one man in particular. Unfortunately, this was not because he was amazingly attractive or anything interesting like that, he was simply eating some takeaway food from a tin tray and in my hungry state (which, of course, I tried to tell myself I wasn't), I found it hard to look away. He looked back at me a few times, and I thought to myself, I'll just let him think I'm staring at him, not the food. Free ego booster. After a while of people-watching and just sitting thinking, absentmindedly texting simultaneously, an old man came to sit next to me. Having been alone on my seat before, I was sitting in a reasonably central position, and this meant that my new companion was sitting quite close to me, and I felt slightly uncomfortable. Despite this, I held my ground and continued sitting, still trying to relish this alone time which had suddenly become not so much alone. At first, I wanted him to leave, feeling almost angry at the intrusion, but this soon subsided. It was surprisingly replaced with an overwhelming desire to talk to him. I noticed that he was drawing, and took a sly glance at the picture. It was a stylised illustration of the group of people laughing and eating lunch in front of us. Every atom in me screamed to say something. A comment about the unusual weather. A compliment on the drawing. Anything. But I didn't. I sat in silence until five minutes before I had to be back at work, then stood up, acting like this artist next to me did not exist. Someone who shared one of my greatest passions. Someone who may have proved to be an excellent conversationalist, or an introvert whose day I could have brightened by making a passing comment. But I'll never know. And I thought to myself as I walked slowly back to work, it's so sad that we live in a society where two people can be placed in such close proximity and not pass a single word, not even an acknowledgement of the other human being living and breathing beside them.

Just a thought.