Mein Hertz brennt.

Ahhhhh fuuuu- ...dge.

I'm a very silly girl. a very silly girl indeed. i'm never happy. never ever. apart from those rare days when everything just seems 10^6s better. rare rare days. i would give anything to have more of them. and i mean that. why won't fate smile on me? forget logic, morals, sense.. c'mon you're all i need, just give me something to look forward to and i'll be happy.

-MOOD CHANGE-

rachel just sent me a link to something called 'Baman and piderman' on youtube. it made me happies. i love her :D

Don't wanna reach for me, do you?

Had my art exam today. went pretty well, was pleased with the painting i churned out in just 5 hours (actually more like 4 and a half), despite feeling ill and not all that happy. and now got no more art lessons until A2 begins, so s'all good, lots more frees. double free tomorrow morning, mmm sleep.

on a more depressing note - oh THERE she goes - i'm not feeling tooooo happy. feeling a bit used, unwanted and unloved tbh. dunno if it's true, just a bit deflated from being ill so i guess i'm not in the best place to make judgements.

watched inglourious basterds (god those spelling mistakes pain me to type) yesterday, suchhh a good film. Tarantino is amazing, with his love of gratuitous violence. at one point i shouted 'DIE NAZIS' at the screen. the mark of a good film methinks.

i'm not okay, i'm not oh-fucking-kay

it's so lame that i had to put my itunes on for a bit to find a title for this blog, then ended up with a reeeaally lame song. which i will admit that i like.

anyway. i have an exam tomorrow. probably my most important exam, on reflection, as art is all i really care about. shit. i did NOT think about it like that before. anyway.

my head hurts
i feel sick
my nose feels like theres cotton wool jammed up it so i cant breathe
my throat feels like sandpaper

EUURGHHH

but i shall not worrryyyy. i shall be happy. must drill that thought into my head.. happy happy happy. maybe i'll get some work done today.

:)

POSITIVE

I'm madly in anger with you.

I'm soooooooooooo not happy.

-sadface-

ugh i wish i could say what i want and do what i want and everything would be amazing.

fu life, fuuuuuuu.

My eyes seek reality, my fingers seek my veins.

I just wrote a really long entry and it deleted itself and I can't be fucked to rewrite it...

The just of it was that I'm failing at life and am angry at my ovaries.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH.

Who you were was so beautiful.

My mum just came into my room. Here was the conversation:

Mum: are you working?
Me: no
Mum: why not?
Me: i don't want to.
Mum: are you going to get it all done?
Me: I don't know
Mum: are you going to panic on sunday?
Me: probably.

then she just sighed and walked out. i've just made the decision that i don't like capital letters whilst online. seems irrelevant. anyway. i'm a messssss. had a huge argument with my parents in front of one of my best friends today and that made me feel bad. sigh.

work tomorrow. i actually really enjoy it these days, being on sasu 2 with cool people is really quite enjoyable, even if some customers infuriate me almost to the point of tears. if i was at home it would be the same but with parents and homework, so hey.

i want the future now now now now now.

i have plans. i want THAT life. it sounds so amazing. it better happen. i've got my hopes up now.

Sleep.
Deprived.
Unghh.

I should sleep more rather than staying up late for silly reasons. Silly Katface.

Am I hoping for a miracle? It's not enough.

Sorry this is kinda fragmented. pretty much how I feel right now.

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers,
starts so soft and sweet and turns them to
h u n t e r s

Rawr.

Hm.

I got really angry just now and decided to work out a bit. I know I'm not fat. But I'm more fat than I would like to be. I then realised I was sitting listening to music I hate, looking at people I hate on Facebook, sitting in a messy room, with untouched revision books everywhere. I don't like this evening. I do not want to be alone.

I feel like going for a run or something. But since I haven't gone straight away, I know I won't. I doubt I'll still want to tomorrow. But hey, maybe I will. Maybe, I'll wake up at about 9am, go for a run, have a shower, and face the day feeling positive.

Everything I see at the moment looks like art. The cherry trees are blossoming, and the clouds all look so fresh and billowing. I love spring, I wish I could paint everything, all in one picture. It would be so beautiful.

It's day two in the Maddison house.

I ache from sleeping on the floor. But all is goooood. Oh em gee, a blog two days in a row?? Miraculous.

I can't wait for my new bedroom furniture and shoes to arrive! It'll be damn cool. Dark brown/blackish drawers and wardrobe are gonna look really good in my room I hope.

So yeah, watched the new Doctor Who today. They even changed the title screen and music and logo! AND THE DOCTOR'S CLOTHES... Wow. It's... very different. But not too bad. Although Matt Smith isn't as bad as I thought he would be, I think he tries too hard to be David Tennant, who is infinitely better by default. I hope the new series is good. Otherwise Russell T Davies will FEEL MY WRATH! Well, he won't, but... y'know. I'll be pretty peeved.

I'm a hobo.

I have no hooooooooome.

So I'm living at Rachel's for a couple of days! The plan is to watch Doctor Who and... other stuff we planned and I can't remember. But should be cool beans. And I get to see Ralphy today SHOCK HORROR. I hate him not being allowed out blehh.

I just bought an £85 pair of DMs from some random dodgy online shoeshop. THEY BETTER FIT. I tried them on in Schuh yesterday but in a smaller size, and they were kinda tight, so hopefully these will fit. Yay yay!

Need to get some proper sleep at some point. Half 12 last night, 4am the night before.. god knows the night before that. Lol.

I've got to breathe, you can't take that from me.

I feel like everything good has been taken away today. Someone's come and sapped out all the happiness, and left me feeling a bit empty. I want a cigarette, but it's raining and if I smoke out of my window my mum will smell it with her super powered sense of smell.

Gah.

I need a hug. But also feel really misanthropic.

People that currently infuriate me: Stupid people, arrogant people, over friendly people, people who ask too many questions, patronising people, people who won't shut up, people who talk out of their arses, liars... Okay I've realised this will be a VERY long list, so I'mma stop. But you get the picture. As Slipknot so aptly put it, right now I wholeheartedly agree that people = shit.

Oh, and I want a wardrobe. Like, REALLY want a wardrobe.