Charlie Brooker is a god. he makes me laugh SO much with his dry, cynical wit, I wish I could either keep him in a cage or marry him.. since i don't think i actually want the physical side of this relationship, i'm thinking the cage is sounding like a good idea.

anyway. it's a saturday, and usually I'd be at work, but i have the day off today. should be a 'yay!' moment but i'm
b o r e d d d d.

I need some entertainment, some pizazz. or pizza. ah it's been way too long since i had domino's. mmmm fat.

i want someone to call me and ask me to do something. I'm too indecisive and lazy to think of a person and activity myself. blehhh. if i don't have some excitement soon, i shall become cynical and misanthropic, like a female charlie brooker. at least then i'd have my wit to amuse me.

Revision blog, oh em gee.

I'm firstly going to write every quote I remember from the Rossetti poems that I like... Here goes.

Maude Clare:
-Maude Clare walked "with lofty step and mien"
-"His bride was like [the/a?] village maid, Maude Clare was like a queen"
-"and what you spurn, I'll wear"
-"I'll love him til he loves me best"
-"here's my half of the golden chain you wore about your neck
that day we waded ankle deep for lillies in the beck"
-"to bless the board, to bless the marriage bed"
-"take my share of a fickle heart"
-"paltry love"

Shut Out:
-"The door was shut, I looked between
its iron bars and saw it lie
my garden, mine, beneath the sky
pied with all flowers bedewed and green"
-"a violet bed is budding near
in which a lark has made her nest
and good they are, but not the best
and dear they are, but not so dear"
-"a shadowless spirit [guards?] the gate
blank and unchanging like the grave"

A Better Resurrection:
-Heaven is referred to as "the sap of Spring"
-"my life is in the falling leaf"
-"dwindled to a husk"
-"my heart is like a stone"
-"O Jesus, quicken me"
-"O Jesus, drink of me"

Twice:
-"I have not smiled much since
then, nor have not questioned much"
-"you took my heart and set it down"
-"it is not ripe"

Winter: My secret:
-"I tell my secret? no, not I"
-"you are too curious; fie!"
-"come bounding and surrounding me
come buffeting, astounding me"
-"I wear my mask for warmth"
-"froze and blows and snows"
-"nor March with its peck of dust
nor April with its rainbow crowned brief showers"
-"you shall not peck?"
-"perhaps my secret I shall tell
or you may guess"

Song:
-"plant no roses at my head,
nor shady cypress tree"

Goblin Market:
-"we must not look at goblin men"
-"come buy, come buy!"

Summer is ended:
-"To think that this was ever a rose
scentless, colourless, this!"
-"bent we cannot re-bend"

Good Friday:
-"and smite a rock"
... xD

A Birthday:
-"halcyon sea"



well that's all I can really think of... enjoy.

This is my December.

This is me pretending this is all I need.

I don't have much to say today. apart from, if i fail exams, i'mma be a stripper. yaaaay. i hate capital letters. they can die.

And I just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed, and I take back all the things I said to you.

I'm so stupid...

10^6+10^6+10^6+10^6+10^6+10^6+10^6...

<3

I love all the dirty tricks and twisted games you play on me

Sooooo tired, work was long as. pretty fun as work goes though. lunch break was lovely, me and emma got ice cream and sat amongst the flowers on christs, blue forget-me-nots to the right and pink forget-me-nots to the right. tres pittoresque, non?

unfortunately, there was something not quite right about what should have been a sunny tranquil scene. a woman walked into our view and sat on a bench nearby, within earshot, and hopelessly asked the passers-by for change, most of whom didn't bat an eyelid. i almost cried. she was so thin, every vein in her arms was visible, her hair hanging limply against her sunken features. we sat for a while, but in the end it was too much to bear. i gave her all the small change i had, which was about 30 or 40p, some of it in coppers. i could smell her as i handed her the pitiful coins, but she seemed to be greatful. i hate being so well off yet still thinking i'm not, isn't it horrible?

and just a warning, i'm not in a good mood generally at the moment. be careful, i could get angry, who knows what i could do if the mood took me. stay on my good side.

:)

Feeling hot, hot, hot

today was a hot day. today was a good day.

i woke up, felt a little bit bad, but tried to stay positive. then me and jess went to town and sunbathed/revised, which was ever so loverly! she's such an awesome friend, I'm lucky to have her. she's one of only about four people that i feel i can tell everything to. much love for her for brightening up my day! and also for asking 'what's the sun?' instead of 'what's the time?', which was most amusing (had to be there).

an australasian/south african (terrible, but i can't really tell the difference) man sat next to us on a bench at one point. he wandered over and said 'excuse me girls, may i set down? my tourist's legs are killing me', we said yeah sure, i made a passing comment about the weather, then me and jess resumed our conversation. at the time it was fine, but when he left i just thought, ah crap. should have talked to him. we could have brightened up his day, given him some cambridge culture, but no, we were selfish and stayed in our own little bubble. i wish i thought of things more at the TIME rather than afterwards. i always do that.

I had to babysit my little brother today. at first, i suddenly got into one of my horrible depressive moods, and thought fuck it, i'm just gonna say he can watch tv and i'll do my own thing but then i had a sudden change of heart; the broodiness i've been getting lately, might as well put it to good use, eh? consequently, i did all the laundry and put it on the line, made him dinner (didn't bother making any for me), and talked to him until he went to bed, about things i thought i was completely uninterested in, but i actually really enjoyed it. made me feel pretty good about myself, and i also now am convinced that i would make a good mother. lol, bit of a quick assumption i know, but i know i can do it.

on the same subject of my crazy hormonal self, just watched 'embarassing bodies: kids'. firstly, they had a girl on with polycystic ovaries, who had to 'struggle to come to terms with a lifelong condition'. i feel your pain, honey. secondly, there was a little girl who had to have an operation, and her mum pissed me off so much, i just wanted to steal her away. she was the most adorable little thing, i literally cried at her on the operating table. lol at me, what a dork.

work tomorrow. feel too dead. death is a reason to not go to work, riiiight? gonna watch comedy and be happy now, ciao.

I don't want you to adore me, don't want you to ignore me when it pleases you

First thought for today, these drugs are gonna kill me slowly by messing with my hormones:
i feel angry/my uterus or ovaries or whatever the hell it is that hurts feels (and sounds, scarily enough) like it's falling apart yet i still haven't had a period in god knows how long/i want to start arguments with everyone/i keep almost hitting people when they touch me, even if they accidentally brush my arm, yet i want affection from random people/every time i see a small child i melt inside a little, i want one - maybe not the best idea right now..
ARGHHHH.

anyway. moving on! exams soon. not too worried, but i'm a little bit too relaxed about the things that matter atm.. things that don't matter at all, on the other hand, i'm going crazy about.

a good thing though, is that there is no more college, yay! no more dreary lessons and early starts for a month. I was told that i should be more happy. so... happy smiley kat time! hmm.. something good... i watched the doctor who from last saturday today. was really good, made me cry a bit, ha. although partially because i've gone all weird and broody and amy was pregnant and her husband died... and yeah, me being weird again!

lol.

i want to go away, to the beach maybe, for a couple of days soon. it would be so lovely to get away and just chillaxxxxx, i'm in need of some serious r&r. take me away from here, pretty please? i won't be a burden, promise. this is me, i'm sunshines and rainbows all the time ^^

lol.

i can dream.

Who are we, where are we, when are we, why are we?

I've been thinking about myself. not in a, what i want and stuff way like usual. not in the selfish way. well.. okay i guess you can say that thinking about yourself is always selfish, but you get what i mean. i think. tbh i'm not even sure what i mean by this, so good luck comprehending!

so. my name is katherine rebecca beatty. name chosen by my father, i believe, rebecca my middle name as it is the name of two of my mother's best friends. surname of irish origin, from my father's side. most of my friends call me kat, and have done since year 6, when my teacher Miss Brook started calling me it out of the blue and it caught on.

when someone asks me my name, if not rushed, i answer kat. that's what everyone calls me. but, i've found, if i'm nervous or pushed to answer quickly, i answer katherine. hence why everyone at work called me katherine for the first few months. it's odd.. who am I? really? do i still want to be katherine, that little girl who was podgy and shy? I guess yeah, I do. it was so much simpler. i was top student in my class, had a ton of friends, no dirty secrets to keep, no terrible habits.

i want to be katherine again.

These smiling eyes are just a mirror for the sun

Today's been pretty monotonous, yet pleasant. i didn't see anyone at college except the people in my lessons, because i went home for my gigantic four hour free, which also comprised lunch, and watched three hours of Pride and Prejudice dvds that katherine lent me. they're pretty enjoyable, and i found that i could quote along to some of it, so maybe i'm not as screwed as i thought for my english exam. yays.

feeling pretty sleepy, pretty apathetic. again. ah well. beats being sad.

two days of college left before exams, eek! but looking forward to study leave. i really hope it's good, i have so much time without exams to just chill, need to find something to do. oh yeah, there's this illustration competition which i desperately want to win, better get my drawing hat on.

Strangeness and charm

feeling only love/feel it on me, love.


who knows what the lyrics are. i like it though. either way. so fitting a title.
i feel so empty. i'm not even unhappy, that's the sad thing.
i'm sorry i hurt you. please forgive me. but it wasn't fair on either of us. ha, i just realised which level this brings me down to. i'm living my life backwards, aren't I?


atom to atom, can you see it on me, love? atom to atom, oh what's the matter with me, love?

No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

why can i never say what i want to? there's another perfect chance wasted, unused.

it's funny how i spend my whole life waiting for something which is going to be amazing, and, occasionally, i get to live those amazing moments, but for the most part, it's just disappointment that ensues. and even when the things i look forward to really are as wonderful as i imagined, soon they're just a memory.

i live for things that happened long ago: lying on a trampoline in the sunshine and watching the birds; coming dowstairs to find someone i've never met with a cake for me; riding bikes in the dark and making cat noises. i live for the future: the house with the pastel pallette and lace curtains, and the little french end tables; the days of letting my imagination flow from my pen; the nights feeling safe.

but where's the point in all that?

i need to live now.

I hate the internet. It's such a stupid thing tbh. I spend my time being bored, wasting hours, and looking at things that upset me and then wishing I could unsee them. How sucky. I'm doing it now! I could be revising! ha.. like that's gonna happen. But yeah. i seem to get upset at anything from stupid love notes to pictures of dead people.

you know what they say: curiosity killed the kat.

lol, that reminds me, the other day I called my friend 'kat' whilst asking if i could have some of his, yes HIS, drink. I'm going craaazy.

Another thing which is annoying me: everyone is getting blogs now since I did. Rarrrr, i started it. and also, i'm going to fail english. and also, i'm probably going to have to take drugs all my life and might not be able to have kids. which sucks sucks SUCKS. If i got pregnant now i would keep it, hands down. i don't care about anything atm.

:)

I NEED TO PEE.
brb.

lol back. that sums me up really, i always announce things like that which people think are 'impolite'. like, period pains. why do people say "my stomach hurts" when "my uterus hurts" is much more accurate? silly that people get grossed out by that

omgg just got sent a pretty sick dub mix. i liiiiike. I've spent my afternoon/evening with cider, cosmo and custard creams. yes pleeeaaase. screw this 'revision', whatever the hell it is.

The love for what you hide, the bitterness inside, is growing like the new born.

~Link it to the world, link it to yourself, stretch it like it's a birth squeeze;
the love for what you hide, the bitterness inside, is growing like the new born~

Okay. i'm a little calmer now. apologies for my last entry, must have been a tad scary..

went to a party last night, was pretty good minus the inevitable couples' arguments that ensued. didn't get too much of a hungover, probably due to eating lots of crisps and drinking lots of coke and water. good girl.

i want this week to be gone. but then again i want it to last forever. i don't really know what i want anymore. i wish someone could just tell me what to do. anyone wanna volunteer? would be much appreciated.

my feelings have gone all crazy. i shouldn't feel this way and I'm SO glad i didn't say anything.

~Destroy the spineless, tell me it's real, wasting our last chance to come away;
just break the silence, because i'm drifting away.. away from you~

I'm tired of being what you want me to, feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Why is it that everything sucks? the world is being run by twats, everyone's gorging themselves and dying the gluttonous bigots they deserve to be remembered. I hate most of my music, everyone argues, i can't have who i want, and the people i don't want seem to flock around me, tweeting inanites incessantly. just go away. everything. i don't want college. i don't want to get a job. nothing i can do will have ANY effect, unless i become prime minister, which i believe myself to incompetent to be.

and as for the thing that's been plaguing my mind and making me tbh quite miserable, people can be SO disgusting, selfish, sickening. I can't BELIEVE it. i just can't. how could this happen to someone i love? horrible horrible horrible. i've totally lost my appetite today. i want to protect everyone i love, but it's so upsetting knowing you can't, and once things inevitably do happen, you're powerless. what's done is done. you FUCKING CUNT. i'm so angry.

oh my GOD i'm so livid. help.

:(

i'm not sick but i'm not well.

hospitals are horrible places, aren't they? i wish they were all lovely and cheery like on scrubs. instead i had to have some icky cold stuff put on my stomach, which somehow managed to get on my skirt AND underwear as well, and a woman shoving a plastic thing against my bladder whilst trying not to piss myself. they said to drink one pint of water an hour before the examination - I ended up drinking a lot more than that, damn lack of pint glasses to measure it out.

so yeah. conclusion of this ordeal is that i have polycystic ovaries. this means that i may not be able to have babies. this means that my function as a human female is pointless, and i will be very sad if it is the case.

in a perfect world, they'd give me some hormone drugs that would make my acne vanish, my tits huge and my ovaries uber fertile.

shame we don't live in a perfect world. i wanna sleep for weeks.

Let's run away to everything you wanted

I'm happy today. OMG, i hear you say, what has come over this girl who is usually so dreary?!

well, today i have been to the beehive centre with my mum, and pottered around looking at odd brick-a-brack and hamsters. this made me feel very at ease with the world. it's nice to talk to mum properly, never usually get a chance.

secondly, yesterday i drunkenly walked home late in the dark, cold and slight rain, and suddenly 'bare necessities' from the jungle book popped into my head, and i just thought, that couldn't be more true.

look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities, forget about your worries and your strife!

what a brilliant sentiment. we don't need everything, all these material things which i convince myself i 'need' are often so stupid, so trivial. to be happy, there's just a few things i need, and last night i was pretty sure that i had them all. and so i walked home, singing to myself like a lunatic, and feeling on top of the
f u c k i n g
WORLD.

<3

The fabric of your flesh, pure as a wedding dress.

Just a quick entry today, as I'm currently sitting in my underwear with wet hair and have exactly 50 minutes before I said I'd meet Rachel in town.

Feeling pretty postive (OMG), started running almost every day, which is giving me a feeling of not being a lazy worthless human being. yay. hmm.. what's on my mind..

i guess just that i don't really know what to do atm. do i revise? have fun? both? i dunno what's gonna help me more, since i need to be happy during exams, or as happy as i can be, to get optimum exam taking kat to shine out.

i have half the day off work on the 15th may and the whole day off on the 29th, yay for not working! although i do quite like work atm.

oh yeah, something i was gonna put in here. recently i've realised im a total facebook perve. i stalk people soooo much. it is NOT good! i walked past Chloe Isitt the other day - I'm not even FRIENDS with her on facebook... we just have a lot of mutual friends and i somehow now feel like a know her.. freaky freaky. if she reads this... then lol, hi, you musta stalked me too.

another thing that's freaking me out. i keep thinking about you. why? why why why? wtf is up with me... never thought THIS would happen. but hm. i'll see.