Ba daaaa, ba dadadadadaaaa, ba dadaaaa, badadaa da daaaa (to the Zelda theme tune)

I usually have lyrics as my blog titles. Today i have a nerdy theme, simply because i'm sitting here nerding out on my laptop, and actually enjoying an evening alone for once, huzzah. hence the nerdy song which was hard to translate to words. yaaaay!

Here's a picture I just came across which i feel epitomises nerdiness tbh:

Hehe, kinda cute, desu ne? apparently it was a marriage proposal which failed lololol. if someone proposed to me like this, however, i doubt i could refuse. mmmm nerds. and he's obviously a damn good shot, might come in handy in a fight..

I'm currently listening to metal versions of Zelda songs. HELL YESSSS.

Takeway and chocolate and lazing around and zelda music makes kat a happy bunny. for once. yay yay. I wrote a poem last night. I might put it up some time. watch this space.

Ah.

A short while ago, i was sitting on the sofa trying to restrain tears, and also trying to hide this, but obviously failing, because my mother asked what was wrong, and my brother answered for me, with "maybe she's crazy".

the sad thing is,
I think it's true.

my room is in tatters, a perfect metaphor for my current mental state. everything got ripped off a small portion of my wall yesterday, so there's a wall scroll lying crumpled, a curtain hanging by a thread, and a picture I made hanging sideways. oh.. please help me straighten up again, please just let me be happy.

I actually feel guilty for being sad when I have friends that have much worse problems than myself, i feel so terrible. i'm so sorry i'm like this.

I have so much to do tonight. better get cracking. adios.

You must stick up for yourself, son, never mind what anybody else done.

Ahh yeasayer, they're so damn FEEL GOOD. happy lyrics, happy beats, love love love them!

On a stickier note, it's SO FUCKING HOT. I think i'm melting. i'm okay when i just lie still, but I've done at least 3 periods of reasonably strenuous exercise today, and even just walking down the stairs is seeming like torture, arghhhh. sweaty sweaty. but meh, if you're not sweaty, you haven't tried hard enough. least i know i've probably burned some calories! although i dunno if that still stands in heat like this..

I gave my friend a list of things that had made me cry yesterday, and he replied "kat, you're scaring me.. see a therapist?" haha. forgotten a couple probably, but here's the list:
america's got talent
a baby milk advert
putting my toothbrush upside down in the icky toothbrush holder
buying new clothes but looking fat in them when i got them home
my face in general
overthinking
a tiny doll i saw on the motorway roadside
my grandma talking about me getting married and having kids
a spider that a lady flicked and then it looked really ill

it goes on, but i think that's probably enough. maybe i should see a therapist... lol, i'm happy enough today though, had a pretty good day, no tears. just sleepy. hot and sleepy.

After some thinking.

mm numbers, like 196, 283, 201. i'm up to the challenge

ah maths.

we've started to do it in psychology, in quite a major way. i thought it would be horrible, but i'm actually, dare i say it.. ENJOYING it. I love simple maths, it satisfies my urge to solve problems and be right.

i'm going for a walk now, I may try to capture the sunset on camera.

I LOVE LIBERATION, i want to be free as a bird

<3

Talking in the second person.

When I refer to people in my blogs, i've noticed i tend to just use the word 'you'. it's like everyone i know is sitting in front of me, and i'm turning to each of them and ranting in their face. though occasionally i say nice things. I do sometimes.. right? meh, well probably. but yeah, i prefer anonymity, means I don't get conflict coming off me in waves, and I can pretty much say what i want about people, for better or worse. I bet some people read things I write and totally misinterpret them, assume they're about them or someone they know. please don't make false assumptions, it doesn't really matter anyway, does it? things i say are generally of little consequence.

i'm currently reading Le Morte d'Arthur, which I'm enjoying a lot more than I thought I would. i would say, i shouldn't have judged it by its cover, but in actual fact the cover is lovely, a beautiful pre-raphaelite painting entitled, oh so fittingly, wait for it... Le Morte d'Arthur. it's not the cover as such that made me make such an assumption, more the sheer size (it's a brick of 843 pages), and also the fact that it was written in the fifteenth century. however, despite these aspects which could be regarded as flaws, the story is pretty gripping. lots of knights gallavanting around on horses and killing each other and courting fair maidens. lovely stuff.

anyway. i'm hungry and tired, so am going in search of food and relaxation. adios amigos.

Three hundred and sixty five days watching me decay.

I feel kinda like this is the anniversary of a death or something, lol. i'm so tired, physically and emotionally.

oh, there's a hedgehog in my garden.
"hi, you're really cute, bye"
I'm good at talking to animals.
i also just had a flashback of touching a hedgehog and laughing that it 'felt like a brush'. who the hell was that with? a guy sometime late at night, could have been one of a few.

i have SO much to buy from college, loads of things to return to. also going to a barbecue tomorrow. need money, please pay me john lewis!

I don't know if I'm sad or not. i want a hug, either way. i don't care if you crush my ribs again, i just want to feel wanted.

Going to bed. sleep is something i seem to shoo away for no particular reason, it's a nice release. like that time i was sitting with people i really did not want to be with and was trying to make excuses not to leave; why did I do that? I confuse myself sometimes. that was a good night in the end.

oh. i LITERALLY can't wait for so many things. i know i criticised you for saying that, but i know how you feel.

Sociability is hard enough for me, take me away from this big, bad world and agree to marry me.

It's funny how opinions change. you can think the world of somebody, and then suddenly hate their very guts. or the total opposite, you can be caught unawares, moving from indifference to infatuation in a matter of minutes.

It's funny how this is a place that I should feel I can say what I want, my own little place to be me. but I can't. i'm pretty damn sure that a fair few people occasionally tune into my crazed scribblings that I just couldn't expose my heart and soul to. there are some things I keep inside that not even all my close friends know, and oh how I hate that. I'm such an open person, i like to tell people everything I'm feeling, everything i'm thinking. yeah, that makes me sound a bit stupid sometimes, when i vocalise weird little thoughts that most people just wave off and discard as ridiculous. i RELISH ridiculous. i think that's why we get on so well.

It's funny how you can be so stupid. let's leave that point hanging, i feel elaboration would be unfair.

It's funny how I'm going to pieces but i'm also fine. my mind has these constant conflicts which buzz and trip over each other and fill up my thinking space. i'll be in a lesson and suddenly realise that i haven't been listening for the last fifteen minutes and would be struck clueless if called upon for an answer. yet, I have days where I feel on top of the world. bi-polar much?

It's funny how I can cry, screw that, WEEP over a book, but still feel happy. I can cry over someone else's miscarriage, someone else's death, and it doesn't matter, they're not real. it's silly that I cry in the first place really, but I love to get involved in these strange worlds, totally and utterly. It's just lovely to be able to cry, but not think about myself. it feels liberating. I spend so much time obsessing on what could be, what could have been, what never was. it's stupid, I know it is, but I cant help it.

How funny life is. hahahaha.

~ "good joke.
everybody laugh.
snare drum.
curtain." ~

Buddleia.

I knew it would come to me.

i don't want to be at college, didn't really enjoy this first day back. hopefully it will improve. japanese exam on thursday, i'mma wing it. ouch i burnt my tongue. how could you ever think i'd get bored with you? silly thing to say, really. mm oreos. got a ton of homework already. i'll do it later. my bad attitude returns. tomorrow should be nice. I need a hug. short sentences. I wanna go to reading now. berlin first though. got a few things to look forward to I guess.

I had so much to say earlier.. it seems to have
gone

-poof-

well here's something. i love xkcd.. here's one i just stumbled across. if i ever end up in a fantasy, rest assured that i'll burn that fucking place to the ground :)




gonna go read, bye.

A harrowing day and a hypothetical situation.

HE'S SELLING THE HOUSE.

it came up in conversation briefly, and then passed by, but it hit me like a stone and I was left reeling. Surely she wouldn't want him to? but it's a big big house for one person alone. Beautiful, but it has far too much empty space to drift and wallow in. however, if the eventuality DOES come to pass that it's let go of, it's a property I would consider watching like a hawk if I ever earn enough money. it's so so pretty, the garden is an idyllic paradise. i used to catch butterflies that landed on the.. what's that plant called? ah, it'll come to me. used to call it the butterfly bush. i've never been much good with plant names.

anyway. i've gone off on a tangent.

i'm not sure why it upset me so much, but ever since someone made a passing comment about it the other day, i started thinking about that house. i can imagine myself standing at the cooker, pots bubbling, creating beautiful aromas. of course, being me, there's also splashes and mess everywhere, but one day i'll learn to cook, even if I will probably still be messy. the study and/or the conservatory would be used for art. my studios. i could maybe even convert one of the bedrooms. there are four, more than enough. my art studio(s) would be AMAZING, my own space to attempt to create beauty from nothing. it'd be like playing god. and of course there's the dressing room, which would be like a walk-in wardrobe, the living room to curl up by the fire, the dining room for big family dinners and the en-suite bathroom for bubble baths.
IWANTTOLIVETHERESOMUCH

we drove past a field nearby, and i could picture myself: slightly chubby but not fat, my hair longer and curlier, cheeks flushed from the morning air but spotless skin otherwise (something i can currently only imagine), wearing wellies and trousers and a t shirt, with a dog bounding along in front of me. I could be a country lass. if i raised children, I think the country would be lovely, at least while they were very young. we'd have chickens too, and i'd get up in the morning to gather eggs. sigh. and there's me saying you shouldn't focus on hypothetical situations, what a hypocrite!

A piece of narrative and some thoughts.

I decide to take the route through the park, I like to appreciate nature on occasions. Everything smells green and dewy. The only people around are the early morning creatures: joggers and dog walkers. Two dogs gracefully bound over the field to each other, a fluffy black sheepdog and a huge toffee coloured labrador. I smile to myself, it seems a perfect metaphor for racial harmony or something of the like. The man who owns the labrador whistles impressively loudly and it turns in its tracks to lollop back to him. There are always things repressing freedom. I look like I've stepped straight out of the eighties, with my scuffed Doc Martens, jumper which is three sizes too big and black eyeliner to absolute indulgent excess. The morning air is cold and nips at my hands and face, making my nose run and my cheeks stiff. I finally reach the train station and get my book out of my bag to wait. I'm always waiting, wanting and waiting. Soon, Henry and Clare are at a rock concert, I'm the voyeur, seeing into their very minds. I love to escape into other worlds, focus on someone's life I don't know for once, forget my own problems. There are few things more exciting than strangers. In another world, I start violently when the bench I'm sitting on suddenly vibrates at a fair amount of weight which has alighted on the other end. Automatically assuming it's the friend I'm waiting for, I go to smile and greet, but it's a stranger. Already acquainted with enough strangers in my book, I rapidly look down again, shrinking into the comforting grey embrace of my jumper.

Well. that's something I wrote this morning whilst bored. it's a true story, woo.

thoughts.
i want to create constellations.
university can't come soon enough.
friends give me this warm feeling inside that I'm just not sure you do.
i'm confident in myself for pretty much the first time.
working hard is essential, can't let myself slip.
i'm so lucky, forgot my railcard and could have been fined for travelling without it, and no one checked my ticket.
big jumpers are the nicest thing. it's like a hug.
if all fails, i'mma be a stripper.
y'know what? i'm pretty happy.
good day.
:)

I'm sick of this.

I'm gonna escape from my harsh tedious realities by occupying myself with mindless tasks, movies and books. adios.

reponds a ma tendresse, verse-moi l'ivresse

J'ai decide d'ecrire cet blogue-la en francais. mon francais n'est pas parfait, donc je suis desolee pour mes effaces.

alors... j'ai travaille presque tous les jours cette semaine, et grace a ca, je suis assez fatiguee. cependant, j'aime le travail. il me permet d'eviter les autres choses dans ma vie que je voudrais d'oublier, comme les disputes, l'isolation, l'ennuie que j'ai tous les temps. et aujourd'hui, j'ai eu un chose pour faire les billets pour les vetements, c'etait simple, et j'ai pu parler avec les autres qui faissaient la meme chose que moi. je fera la meme chose demain, ce sera choutte, je suis sur. je l'attends avec un bon humeur.

et, toi? tu me fait mal. je suis toute seule trop de temps.. comment de temps ca sera continuer? s'il te plait, penser de tous les choses tu m'as dit. je ne comprends pas. je vais faire un list, peut-etre il le fera plus facile pour toi.

Biensur, je dois ecrire des mots de toi aussi ! je suis tellement en colere.. plus colere que j’etais en tout ma vie. Et il n’arrete pas. Tu es fou, tel tel fou.


~lorsque tour a tour dans ma vie que je n't'ai pas vu de la semaine, que je dis comme une litanie a mon oreiller que je t'aime
il me reste cet air-la qui vient me parler de toi, car en chantant cet air-la, je ne peux penser qu'a toi~

I know I can help you, I just don't fucking want to

Right. I'm going to be selfish and superficial, every sentence in the next paragraph is going to be about me.

I want to be eighteen, i want to have perfect skin, i want my hair to be a decent colour and length, i want to see the world and make friends everywhere, i want to be loved for who i am, i want to go university (but i also don't), i want the people i've lost back, i want some people i unfortunately still have around to just go away, i want to find a band who are perfect and listen to them all day, i want to do nothing, i want to do something, i don't want conflict but i don't want complacent boredom; i want so many fucking things i just. can't. have.

I COULD SCREAM AND SCREAM

this day was meant to be relaxing, this day was meant to be fun. i'm sitting on my own waiting for something that might not happen, wasting my life wishing and waiting. the same thing I do every day. how long before i crack? i always knew this was a bad idea, i just can't stop my thought processes, irrationality is my forte.

I'm so sorry that i can't be who we both want me to be, and that I had to resort to rejection. when you've got that face on, i just don't know what to say to you. being wanted by people either side of you is a nice feeling, even if one part is probably just drunken affection. i like the thrill of the chase, i like to be liked. it's selfish of me, but as long as we're not involved it's fine. it's when it gets too deep that i have to say no. and it's funny how it wasn't me feeling too strongly this time. not ha ha funny.

how do I become a better person? I want to improve, someone must know how. tell me please.

Words of love and words of leisure, words are poison darts of pleasure

"she's okay, but not as good as you" - someone said this to me a while ago about something really stupid, but it made me realise, I make all my self-judgements based on comparisons.

I think i'm not good enough, just because i'm not the same as other people who i deem to be 'better' than myself. truth is, they're no better than me, i'm no better than them. we're just different.

last night, i went through almost all the bands who are going to be at reading 2010 and listened to a couple of their songs on spotify, to judge them and decide who i want to see. it used up a couple of hours and cheered me up. i'm so excited. 73 days to go now.

i had work today. the highlight was serving a very confused, eccentric chinese lady with cataracts and a hearing aid. she amused me, and was sweet. i also served the lady with the thick russian accent who i've served twice before, and she advised me to dye my hair, as she thinks it would look better darker. maybe i will take your advice, woman. a stranger's advice can sometimes be the best you're going to get.

going to goldsmith's college open day on saturday to see where i can get to if i do well. yay.

The unrequited dream; the song that no one sings; the unobtainable

I'm currently in fits of tears for very little reason. i just looked at a photo of the baby that a girl in my year who i used to be best friends with just had.. and bam. waterworks. i don't even know why.. maybe because i feel sorry for him, maybe because i want one myself. i hate how having children would probably ruin my life, it seems like such a nice idea. sigh. i'm broody as a hen. it sucks.

anyway. i've made an observation recently. there's this feeling i get a lot. it's halfway between extreme melancholy and extreme euphoria. it feels like there's a big weight on my chest; everything's constricted and it's hard to breathe, but that pressure is also somewhat comforting.. it's just a feeling that nothing else matters, only what's happening at present, and that nothing else even exists any more. this feeling can be brought on by really emotive romantic music (romantic as in the period of classical music, not music about love), reading or watching something that touches me, and by.. well. you. the only way i can think to describe this feeling, is as being in love. it's the most amazing and horrible thing, but despite its bad points, i live for it. i wish i could live feeling like that all the time.

Workin' 9-5, what a way to make a livin'! well... 10-4 in my case.

So.
much.
worrrrrrrrrrk.

i have stupidly volunteered to work tomorrow, monday, wednesday and thursday. i'm going to feel ever so dead. but money is fun times. and on wednesday and thursday i get to make price labels YAY FUN. not. meh, it might be, i like mindless repetitive tasks.

i hate how you smell because it makes me miss you.
i hate how YOU smell because it makes me vomit.
i hate when i walk past someone and they smell like someone you know, and it brings up so many emotions that you could just do without.
rant overrrrrr.

and i can't WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN NOT FUCKING WAIT
life is so mundane
i want some excitement now, it'll have to wait
muhahaha

aishiteru zutto.

Marry me, bury me

my mind keeps coming to the same silly conclusions. my plans of action are:

a) get what i want
b) get thrown off course by someone
c) do nothing all day
d) dieeeeeee

i don't like my lifee. i had tea and cake for breakfast today though, that was pretty sweet. and have a day of nothing ahead of me. just don't feel like doing anything. so atm, it's option c). huzzah.

come find me, come save me. you know you want to.

Everybody's gonna be happy, which means you and me, my love

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

now i've got that out, exams are OVER, baby;
FUCK YES
no more revision
no more panicking
just relaxing
and boredom
and too much thinking

soooo.. I shall do lots of art! lots and lots of pretty pictures. i've started one, it's of an angel. she's sad, and naked (but cleverly retaining most of her dignity with a cunningly placed wing), holding a human heart which is bleeding on her hand. i like this picture, can't wait to finish it. it's been so long since i had time for myself. it's nice.

had a nice time today in town, and a nice time having a post exam celebratory cake.

and... i'm a fucking bitch, i hate me. fuck off, me.

:(

Quelqu'un m'a dit que tu m'amais encore

time and time again, and every time it gets worse. tell me, what is it that we are all to do? because i certainly don't know. so i'm just going to stay right where i am, and take what i get, for better or worse. what happened, happened. what will happen, will happen. i can't change the past, i just have to try and stay positive and not go too crazy. can't guarantee that...

I HATE SOCIAL POLITICS

anyway.

today I went out for lunch and it was nice, though i ate too much. i also bought a new sketchpad, which i was in DIRE need of, i'd started to resort to drawing on lined paper, which is seriously uncool. if i drew something amazing on lined paper i'd never forgive myself, things never come out the same the second time around. so yeah, gonna do some drawing. hopefully i can make something beautiful to pass the time.

and it's raining.
wanna be out in it
i want to runnnnnnnnn
preferably not alone

sigh..

just a few beautiful stolen words

i feel so empty, so i'll just sing you a pretty song, you'll have to imagine the sounds.

so far away
come on i'll take you far away
let's get away
come on let's make a getaway
once you have loved someone this much
you doubt it could fade despite how much you'd like it to
god, how you'd like it, you'd like it to fade
let's fade together
let's fade forever
if we get away
you know we might just stay away
so stay awake
oh why the hell should i stay awake?
when you're far away
oh god
you are so far
i looked at your wall
saw an old passport photograph
i look like i've just jumped the berlin wall
berlin, i love you
starting to fade
let's fade together
let's fade forever

Raaaaaaaage

lol Rage describes how I feel a lot. was also a good day, and we witnessed music history! i'll sum it up:

cockfosters
talking carl
lots of fatty food extortionately priced
lots of pepsi max
lot of sitting/lying around
"bacon: it's just like lettuce, but meatier. but not"
crap bands
pirate band!
Simon cowell getting pwnnnned
RAGE <3
big squishy crowds
police on horses
to cockfosters again
car, including petrol fail
homeeeeee

all in all a good day, my summary probably missed out loads of awesome stuff but ah well. and when i got home i found a pound coin in my bra, yay, profit! lol

thank you for driving us Matt ^^

just to reiterate.. fuck you i won't do what you tell me :D

and now to fail my exams/life, wooooooooooooo, i really shouldn't get into big messes which I seem to do all the time... oh well! as is life

FUCK YOU, I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!

i've decided that hiding behind sofas is something to be done often, it's fun.

i watched the human centipede, it's not as scary or gross as i thought it'd be.

i'm really tired so i'm going to bed soon.

this is really
fragmented

octavarium is lovely

i can't stop singing ke$ha, oh dear

and... i want to run away. join me, anyone?

erraticism

up

i'm like a yo-yo

down

sometimes it's just nice to cry for the hell of it, gets out the nasty hormones. i'm scared what's going to happen to me on these drugs, i think it might be painful. i'm also scared about exams, and some other things. it'd be nice to have someone there for me right about now.

Sympathomedullary pathway... FU

Revision is not the most fun of past times, neither is rain, nor arguments, nor odd agonising stomach and hip pains, all of which I have had today.

y'know what i hate? words. there are some words which just hearing them uttered can make me feel sick, or make me angry. i can be perfectly fine and read something, then feel like shit.

but they can also be so amazing. it's odd how replacing words in a video with a silly word can be so hilarious, and make me laugh more than i have in months. and also, how someone can say something to you that just makes you feel so happy, something which is just the thing you want to hear. when that happens, it makes you realise that there IS some good in life. even if you don't think what they're saying is necessarily all that sincere, it's just nice to know people care about you enough to say it, y'know? that's happened to me a couple of times recently, where i've just felt a big surge of love for someone who's said something really nice to me. i just really need that at the moment, and i love to bits anyone who makes the effort to cheer me up.

but yeah.. i'mma sandwich that nice little sentiment with something else bad, i'm afraid. i want to move out. or he can move out, either way is good for me. i hate him, i really really do. i was revising earlier, and now i can't because he was a total bastard to me and i just lost it, my mind's not right now. at the moment, men just really seem to not be doing well in my life.. stepdad's a twat, dad is losing his mind (what little there was of it), and relationship wise? lol, don't even go there. i think i've been broken, i can't bring myself to look at anyone new the same way any more. just got to wait around for a while i guess before someone treats me right again. but how much longer?