I know I can help you, I just don't fucking want to

Right. I'm going to be selfish and superficial, every sentence in the next paragraph is going to be about me.

I want to be eighteen, i want to have perfect skin, i want my hair to be a decent colour and length, i want to see the world and make friends everywhere, i want to be loved for who i am, i want to go university (but i also don't), i want the people i've lost back, i want some people i unfortunately still have around to just go away, i want to find a band who are perfect and listen to them all day, i want to do nothing, i want to do something, i don't want conflict but i don't want complacent boredom; i want so many fucking things i just. can't. have.

I COULD SCREAM AND SCREAM

this day was meant to be relaxing, this day was meant to be fun. i'm sitting on my own waiting for something that might not happen, wasting my life wishing and waiting. the same thing I do every day. how long before i crack? i always knew this was a bad idea, i just can't stop my thought processes, irrationality is my forte.

I'm so sorry that i can't be who we both want me to be, and that I had to resort to rejection. when you've got that face on, i just don't know what to say to you. being wanted by people either side of you is a nice feeling, even if one part is probably just drunken affection. i like the thrill of the chase, i like to be liked. it's selfish of me, but as long as we're not involved it's fine. it's when it gets too deep that i have to say no. and it's funny how it wasn't me feeling too strongly this time. not ha ha funny.

how do I become a better person? I want to improve, someone must know how. tell me please.