Friday, 6 May 2011

The future.

So, my resumption of this blog seemed cheery enough.. Unfortunately, I find it hard to keep happiness up for long.

I've found myself with too much alone time recently, which is never a good thing if I have things to mull over. In fact, it lead to me taking a pregnancy test today in the vain hope I'd be pregnant and have a purpose. But of course, I am not, having an uninhabitable uterus and all that jazz. I live in hope that wishful thinking will one day overcome this.

On that subject, I also had a dreadful thought chain about cancer and death and... yeah, I've gone a bit dark again. At least I'm not hurting anyone else right now though.

If something happened like... say, ovarian cancer which meant that I 100% couldn't have children, what would I do? I would have a bit of a moral dilemma. Having children is one of the only things I really desperately want to do, and I would feel as if I had failed my life if I couldn't. So, if I couldn't have children, would there be any point in carrying on? I mean, my family would probably be a bit sad if I died... This is my problem. I'm not afraid of dying, just afraid of dying unaccomplished, and if it's inevitable, why not speed it up?

I shouldn't be thinking things like this... la la laaa... happy thoughts..

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