Friday, 23 July 2010

I give in.

Okay. I couldn't take it any more, I'm gonna blog. The horrible thing is, I don't think I have a single nice thing to say.

I've been having horrible dreams which range from being sexual to downright horrific, with a recurring cast of people I know. When I wake up, if I don't have to get up for anything, I have this horrible reflection period, which sometimes actually leads me to not being able to get out of bed. A classic symptom of depression.

I'm getting close to breaking point. I have quite a bit of dirt on a few people, and right now I feel so depressedly self-centred that I feel like smearing it all over the faces of the people they love, just so I don't have to be the only one that feels like this (and for a good old fashioned bit of personal gain). and i HATE that, I hate that I feel this way, it's sickening. So sickening in fact, that I haven't been able to eat without feeling sick for the last couple of days, all I've wanted to do is sleep.

I just need someone to be there for me, and everyone's busy and has other people that need them and I CAN'T DO THIS. The fact that I have a hell of a lot of Valium, Paracetamol and Codeine sitting in my room is not good for me. Oh yeah, I got put on a ton of drugs for my neck pain. it was fucking lovely. Two days of sitting on my sofa in contented sleepy boredom, barely a thought went through my mind. Staring at a colourful pencil seemed on par with watching television. If I don't get a boyfriend soonish, tranquilizers seem like a beautiful alternative. lol.