I'm sick of this.

I'm gonna escape from my harsh tedious realities by occupying myself with mindless tasks, movies and books. adios.

reponds a ma tendresse, verse-moi l'ivresse

J'ai decide d'ecrire cet blogue-la en francais. mon francais n'est pas parfait, donc je suis desolee pour mes effaces.

alors... j'ai travaille presque tous les jours cette semaine, et grace a ca, je suis assez fatiguee. cependant, j'aime le travail. il me permet d'eviter les autres choses dans ma vie que je voudrais d'oublier, comme les disputes, l'isolation, l'ennuie que j'ai tous les temps. et aujourd'hui, j'ai eu un chose pour faire les billets pour les vetements, c'etait simple, et j'ai pu parler avec les autres qui faissaient la meme chose que moi. je fera la meme chose demain, ce sera choutte, je suis sur. je l'attends avec un bon humeur.

et, toi? tu me fait mal. je suis toute seule trop de temps.. comment de temps ca sera continuer? s'il te plait, penser de tous les choses tu m'as dit. je ne comprends pas. je vais faire un list, peut-etre il le fera plus facile pour toi.

Biensur, je dois ecrire des mots de toi aussi ! je suis tellement en colere.. plus colere que j’etais en tout ma vie. Et il n’arrete pas. Tu es fou, tel tel fou.


~lorsque tour a tour dans ma vie que je n't'ai pas vu de la semaine, que je dis comme une litanie a mon oreiller que je t'aime
il me reste cet air-la qui vient me parler de toi, car en chantant cet air-la, je ne peux penser qu'a toi~

I know I can help you, I just don't fucking want to

Right. I'm going to be selfish and superficial, every sentence in the next paragraph is going to be about me.

I want to be eighteen, i want to have perfect skin, i want my hair to be a decent colour and length, i want to see the world and make friends everywhere, i want to be loved for who i am, i want to go university (but i also don't), i want the people i've lost back, i want some people i unfortunately still have around to just go away, i want to find a band who are perfect and listen to them all day, i want to do nothing, i want to do something, i don't want conflict but i don't want complacent boredom; i want so many fucking things i just. can't. have.

I COULD SCREAM AND SCREAM

this day was meant to be relaxing, this day was meant to be fun. i'm sitting on my own waiting for something that might not happen, wasting my life wishing and waiting. the same thing I do every day. how long before i crack? i always knew this was a bad idea, i just can't stop my thought processes, irrationality is my forte.

I'm so sorry that i can't be who we both want me to be, and that I had to resort to rejection. when you've got that face on, i just don't know what to say to you. being wanted by people either side of you is a nice feeling, even if one part is probably just drunken affection. i like the thrill of the chase, i like to be liked. it's selfish of me, but as long as we're not involved it's fine. it's when it gets too deep that i have to say no. and it's funny how it wasn't me feeling too strongly this time. not ha ha funny.

how do I become a better person? I want to improve, someone must know how. tell me please.

Words of love and words of leisure, words are poison darts of pleasure

"she's okay, but not as good as you" - someone said this to me a while ago about something really stupid, but it made me realise, I make all my self-judgements based on comparisons.

I think i'm not good enough, just because i'm not the same as other people who i deem to be 'better' than myself. truth is, they're no better than me, i'm no better than them. we're just different.

last night, i went through almost all the bands who are going to be at reading 2010 and listened to a couple of their songs on spotify, to judge them and decide who i want to see. it used up a couple of hours and cheered me up. i'm so excited. 73 days to go now.

i had work today. the highlight was serving a very confused, eccentric chinese lady with cataracts and a hearing aid. she amused me, and was sweet. i also served the lady with the thick russian accent who i've served twice before, and she advised me to dye my hair, as she thinks it would look better darker. maybe i will take your advice, woman. a stranger's advice can sometimes be the best you're going to get.

going to goldsmith's college open day on saturday to see where i can get to if i do well. yay.

The unrequited dream; the song that no one sings; the unobtainable

I'm currently in fits of tears for very little reason. i just looked at a photo of the baby that a girl in my year who i used to be best friends with just had.. and bam. waterworks. i don't even know why.. maybe because i feel sorry for him, maybe because i want one myself. i hate how having children would probably ruin my life, it seems like such a nice idea. sigh. i'm broody as a hen. it sucks.

anyway. i've made an observation recently. there's this feeling i get a lot. it's halfway between extreme melancholy and extreme euphoria. it feels like there's a big weight on my chest; everything's constricted and it's hard to breathe, but that pressure is also somewhat comforting.. it's just a feeling that nothing else matters, only what's happening at present, and that nothing else even exists any more. this feeling can be brought on by really emotive romantic music (romantic as in the period of classical music, not music about love), reading or watching something that touches me, and by.. well. you. the only way i can think to describe this feeling, is as being in love. it's the most amazing and horrible thing, but despite its bad points, i live for it. i wish i could live feeling like that all the time.

Workin' 9-5, what a way to make a livin'! well... 10-4 in my case.

So.
much.
worrrrrrrrrrk.

i have stupidly volunteered to work tomorrow, monday, wednesday and thursday. i'm going to feel ever so dead. but money is fun times. and on wednesday and thursday i get to make price labels YAY FUN. not. meh, it might be, i like mindless repetitive tasks.

i hate how you smell because it makes me miss you.
i hate how YOU smell because it makes me vomit.
i hate when i walk past someone and they smell like someone you know, and it brings up so many emotions that you could just do without.
rant overrrrrr.

and i can't WAIT I CAN'T WAIT I CAN NOT FUCKING WAIT
life is so mundane
i want some excitement now, it'll have to wait
muhahaha

aishiteru zutto.

Marry me, bury me

my mind keeps coming to the same silly conclusions. my plans of action are:

a) get what i want
b) get thrown off course by someone
c) do nothing all day
d) dieeeeeee

i don't like my lifee. i had tea and cake for breakfast today though, that was pretty sweet. and have a day of nothing ahead of me. just don't feel like doing anything. so atm, it's option c). huzzah.

come find me, come save me. you know you want to.