The future.

So, my resumption of this blog seemed cheery enough.. Unfortunately, I find it hard to keep happiness up for long.

I've found myself with too much alone time recently, which is never a good thing if I have things to mull over. In fact, it lead to me taking a pregnancy test today in the vain hope I'd be pregnant and have a purpose. But of course, I am not, having an uninhabitable uterus and all that jazz. I live in hope that wishful thinking will one day overcome this.

On that subject, I also had a dreadful thought chain about cancer and death and... yeah, I've gone a bit dark again. At least I'm not hurting anyone else right now though.

If something happened like... say, ovarian cancer which meant that I 100% couldn't have children, what would I do? I would have a bit of a moral dilemma. Having children is one of the only things I really desperately want to do, and I would feel as if I had failed my life if I couldn't. So, if I couldn't have children, would there be any point in carrying on? I mean, my family would probably be a bit sad if I died... This is my problem. I'm not afraid of dying, just afraid of dying unaccomplished, and if it's inevitable, why not speed it up?

I shouldn't be thinking things like this... la la laaa... happy thoughts..

Love in the lab

I'm doing data entry. Earned about fifty quid for sitting on my arse for three days. I feel fat from the lack of exercise but, ya know, I don't really care. Mmmmmmm-money.

I've noticed something with this job. At the university I'm analysing, there are so many departments with two people, a man and a woman, sharing a surname but the woman's email saying a different surname. This means that the woman joined the university with a different surname, her maiden name, and met the giver of her new surname at work. So adorable.. especially since they all look really nerdy...

Aaah nerd love <3

The past.

I just read through all your old blogs.

and

just one thing to say.

LOL.

We're all so stupid and naive and self-righteous and think we're kings and queens of our own little kingdoms and everyone else is so much worse than us. And the fact we keep it to ourselves, to the internet, where we can say anything and it seems so stupidly anonymous...

We should have talked about this a long time ago. We both know that. It's too late to save I guess, too much has happened. Though I'm all ears if you ever feel like it. I know we probably both have a lot to say. I know I do. So so much. But you seem to think you're the stronger person, so come forward if you want.

:)

(PS I think you're essentially a nice person. sorry we got mixed up in this)

君とずっと

Konnichiwa minasan.
Kyou wa-

Okay I can't keep up the japanese. I'm bored oh so bored and also kinda sad but don't really have a reason to be. Although please stop saying mean things about me, I'm doing nothing wrong.

I want someone to travel with, someone to wake up next to, someone to cook for.

I might eat some ice cream. haha, bet that'll please you. Ah well, as long as I retain podium position of thinness I'm okay. If I get too fat I can always not eat for a few days, yay.

So bored. I don't even have enough thoughts to fill a blog anymore. Hmm.. I might be buying a tv. I had a dream with sea creatures and a plane in it where two people I know died. I went to the train station earlier to buy a ticket but forgot my railcard, fail. Tomorrow is my last counselling appointment, before I resign myself to being depressed and crazy but can't afford any help. lolzzz.

braingonnarotttttttt..mrrrhhhhhhh.

I really should delete this blog before I say something stupid.

how long is this masquerade going to last?
every time i look at this website,
i get sad
sadder every time
nearly every time I read a blog, i cry
either one of them..
very deep stuff.
especially yours though
really can't handle that shit
god I need to get a grip
on life
in all the things I should be doing
no more excuses
great it's sorted
tomorrow I shall wake up and be dynamic!
or maybe I won't
can't tell the future before it happens, right?
ha
anyways..
night everyone who reads this
great talking to you
enjoy your respective evenings.
:)

This is how you remind me of what I really am.

I feel happy.
sad.
empty.
content.
horrific.

ARGH, stay stable for once! I've realised that there's probably only one thing that matters to me and it's oh so silly. I wish it didn't matter, it would improve my quality of life to no end.

My dad rolled me a few joints for Reading today lol, what a scummy life I lead. I'm gonna rot. but it doesn't matter, what do I have to lose? I read three chapters of a book for college today and think that's a huge acheivement for me, the girl who does nothing. who is lazy and then gets upset when she doesn't succeed. sigh, it used to be so much easier. It's hard to care about trivial things like college work when you don't feel like you have a purpose. Give it back to me?

She had so many friends, sliding through many hands.

Sigh.

Got my results today, ABBC. One of the Bs was ONE MARK off an A. So I'm going to retake a module to try and get an A, yay.

I wish I could work hard.
No.
I CAN work hard. And I will. I'll try my best. I really need to try, I need this.

I also need to sort my life out, I want stability.

Lastly. It only gets to you because you know I talk sense. from many things you've said, I know you agree at least in part. haha.

I wish I could skin up. hmf. I need to learn.

I wanna live in a lipstick jungle.

I just watched a documentary about a girl who went by the name of Beckii Cruel who got famous in Japan by doing dances on YouTube in cute outfits. She's living my dream.

To be like her I need to:
get perfect skin (i'm trying, it's hard)
grow my hair and cut it/care for it
lose weight, i know i'm not fat but i'm just not skinny enough
practice music or dancing or something
be amazing

maybe then you'll love me. I don't even know who you are any more.

Cold, you're so cold..

I've been having way too many horrible realisations recently.

I'm a whore.
When I get drunk I turn into a total idiot yet I continue to do so.
My ultimate goal in life isn't going anywhere.
I'm really alone.
I can't commit any more.

Why would you do this to me? I'm so broken, I can't let anyone in for more than a few weeks and then I flip out. I don't even know why, some have been so lovely.

But they're not you.

Help me please please please, I regret so much.

Fuck off am I thinking of a title.

I'm in a 'I'm sick of everything' mood today, how fun.

First off, I find it funny how after all this time, it took ME to end things, me to take a stand. Yeah, I liked how things were, but I just kept being left feeling so deflated and like everything is pointless. Unfortunately, that feeling is slowly creeping back anyway. The thing is, after you PROMISED we would spend that weekend together and we spent hours talking about and planning it, then you go and say actually, maybe not, I just can't think of you in the same way. horrible HORRIBLE thing to do. I'm so angry. so so so angry.

I hate people, I want them to all go away, especially you two, but even the people I'm supposed to like are driving me mad. I don't know what to do.

Some things come from nothing..

..Nothing seems to come from something.


Last Saturday, I had a lunch break from work and no one to spend it with. However, this was not a problem, as I like sitting by myself and contemplating things on my lunch breaks, I'm so tired that I need to rest everything, including my brain, to stop myself from spewing a garbled mish mash of nonsense at customers for the next four hours. So that's what I did this lunchtime; I got myself a bottle of Vitamin Water and a small chocolate bar (I hadn't been really eating, this seemed adequate for lunch) and walked to Christ's Pieces, where I headed straight across the grass to the nearest bench in sight with no one occupying it. The bench was the opposite side of the park to where I usually sit, and gave a whole new perspective to the scene. A group of what I assumed to be Chinese people were sitting in front of me, and I found that my eyes kept coming to rest on one man in particular. Unfortunately, this was not because he was amazingly attractive or anything interesting like that, he was simply eating some takeaway food from a tin tray and in my hungry state (which, of course, I tried to tell myself I wasn't), I found it hard to look away. He looked back at me a few times, and I thought to myself, I'll just let him think I'm staring at him, not the food. Free ego booster. After a while of people-watching and just sitting thinking, absentmindedly texting simultaneously, an old man came to sit next to me. Having been alone on my seat before, I was sitting in a reasonably central position, and this meant that my new companion was sitting quite close to me, and I felt slightly uncomfortable. Despite this, I held my ground and continued sitting, still trying to relish this alone time which had suddenly become not so much alone. At first, I wanted him to leave, feeling almost angry at the intrusion, but this soon subsided. It was surprisingly replaced with an overwhelming desire to talk to him. I noticed that he was drawing, and took a sly glance at the picture. It was a stylised illustration of the group of people laughing and eating lunch in front of us. Every atom in me screamed to say something. A comment about the unusual weather. A compliment on the drawing. Anything. But I didn't. I sat in silence until five minutes before I had to be back at work, then stood up, acting like this artist next to me did not exist. Someone who shared one of my greatest passions. Someone who may have proved to be an excellent conversationalist, or an introvert whose day I could have brightened by making a passing comment. But I'll never know. And I thought to myself as I walked slowly back to work, it's so sad that we live in a society where two people can be placed in such close proximity and not pass a single word, not even an acknowledgement of the other human being living and breathing beside them.

Just a thought.

I give in.

Okay. I couldn't take it any more, I'm gonna blog. The horrible thing is, I don't think I have a single nice thing to say.

I've been having horrible dreams which range from being sexual to downright horrific, with a recurring cast of people I know. When I wake up, if I don't have to get up for anything, I have this horrible reflection period, which sometimes actually leads me to not being able to get out of bed. A classic symptom of depression.

I'm getting close to breaking point. I have quite a bit of dirt on a few people, and right now I feel so depressedly self-centred that I feel like smearing it all over the faces of the people they love, just so I don't have to be the only one that feels like this (and for a good old fashioned bit of personal gain). and i HATE that, I hate that I feel this way, it's sickening. So sickening in fact, that I haven't been able to eat without feeling sick for the last couple of days, all I've wanted to do is sleep.

I just need someone to be there for me, and everyone's busy and has other people that need them and I CAN'T DO THIS. The fact that I have a hell of a lot of Valium, Paracetamol and Codeine sitting in my room is not good for me. Oh yeah, I got put on a ton of drugs for my neck pain. it was fucking lovely. Two days of sitting on my sofa in contented sleepy boredom, barely a thought went through my mind. Staring at a colourful pencil seemed on par with watching television. If I don't get a boyfriend soonish, tranquilizers seem like a beautiful alternative. lol.

I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW, ARGHHHH!

Lol, i heard the titular song this morning, and just thought, ah, it's nice to get some rage out sometimes. I don't do it enough.

I've been assigned to a psychotherapist. ha. yay.

This blog seems like an outlet for my feelings, but in fact, i think writing it makes me dwell over things and actually more depressed when I'm sad. so i'm going to STOP being an idiot and writing every day, and i'll only write when i have something cool to say.

so yeah, bye bitches :)

Ba daaaa, ba dadadadadaaaa, ba dadaaaa, badadaa da daaaa (to the Zelda theme tune)

I usually have lyrics as my blog titles. Today i have a nerdy theme, simply because i'm sitting here nerding out on my laptop, and actually enjoying an evening alone for once, huzzah. hence the nerdy song which was hard to translate to words. yaaaay!

Here's a picture I just came across which i feel epitomises nerdiness tbh:

Hehe, kinda cute, desu ne? apparently it was a marriage proposal which failed lololol. if someone proposed to me like this, however, i doubt i could refuse. mmmm nerds. and he's obviously a damn good shot, might come in handy in a fight..

I'm currently listening to metal versions of Zelda songs. HELL YESSSS.

Takeway and chocolate and lazing around and zelda music makes kat a happy bunny. for once. yay yay. I wrote a poem last night. I might put it up some time. watch this space.

Ah.

A short while ago, i was sitting on the sofa trying to restrain tears, and also trying to hide this, but obviously failing, because my mother asked what was wrong, and my brother answered for me, with "maybe she's crazy".

the sad thing is,
I think it's true.

my room is in tatters, a perfect metaphor for my current mental state. everything got ripped off a small portion of my wall yesterday, so there's a wall scroll lying crumpled, a curtain hanging by a thread, and a picture I made hanging sideways. oh.. please help me straighten up again, please just let me be happy.

I actually feel guilty for being sad when I have friends that have much worse problems than myself, i feel so terrible. i'm so sorry i'm like this.

I have so much to do tonight. better get cracking. adios.

You must stick up for yourself, son, never mind what anybody else done.

Ahh yeasayer, they're so damn FEEL GOOD. happy lyrics, happy beats, love love love them!

On a stickier note, it's SO FUCKING HOT. I think i'm melting. i'm okay when i just lie still, but I've done at least 3 periods of reasonably strenuous exercise today, and even just walking down the stairs is seeming like torture, arghhhh. sweaty sweaty. but meh, if you're not sweaty, you haven't tried hard enough. least i know i've probably burned some calories! although i dunno if that still stands in heat like this..

I gave my friend a list of things that had made me cry yesterday, and he replied "kat, you're scaring me.. see a therapist?" haha. forgotten a couple probably, but here's the list:
america's got talent
a baby milk advert
putting my toothbrush upside down in the icky toothbrush holder
buying new clothes but looking fat in them when i got them home
my face in general
overthinking
a tiny doll i saw on the motorway roadside
my grandma talking about me getting married and having kids
a spider that a lady flicked and then it looked really ill

it goes on, but i think that's probably enough. maybe i should see a therapist... lol, i'm happy enough today though, had a pretty good day, no tears. just sleepy. hot and sleepy.

After some thinking.

mm numbers, like 196, 283, 201. i'm up to the challenge

ah maths.

we've started to do it in psychology, in quite a major way. i thought it would be horrible, but i'm actually, dare i say it.. ENJOYING it. I love simple maths, it satisfies my urge to solve problems and be right.

i'm going for a walk now, I may try to capture the sunset on camera.

I LOVE LIBERATION, i want to be free as a bird

<3

Talking in the second person.

When I refer to people in my blogs, i've noticed i tend to just use the word 'you'. it's like everyone i know is sitting in front of me, and i'm turning to each of them and ranting in their face. though occasionally i say nice things. I do sometimes.. right? meh, well probably. but yeah, i prefer anonymity, means I don't get conflict coming off me in waves, and I can pretty much say what i want about people, for better or worse. I bet some people read things I write and totally misinterpret them, assume they're about them or someone they know. please don't make false assumptions, it doesn't really matter anyway, does it? things i say are generally of little consequence.

i'm currently reading Le Morte d'Arthur, which I'm enjoying a lot more than I thought I would. i would say, i shouldn't have judged it by its cover, but in actual fact the cover is lovely, a beautiful pre-raphaelite painting entitled, oh so fittingly, wait for it... Le Morte d'Arthur. it's not the cover as such that made me make such an assumption, more the sheer size (it's a brick of 843 pages), and also the fact that it was written in the fifteenth century. however, despite these aspects which could be regarded as flaws, the story is pretty gripping. lots of knights gallavanting around on horses and killing each other and courting fair maidens. lovely stuff.

anyway. i'm hungry and tired, so am going in search of food and relaxation. adios amigos.

Three hundred and sixty five days watching me decay.

I feel kinda like this is the anniversary of a death or something, lol. i'm so tired, physically and emotionally.

oh, there's a hedgehog in my garden.
"hi, you're really cute, bye"
I'm good at talking to animals.
i also just had a flashback of touching a hedgehog and laughing that it 'felt like a brush'. who the hell was that with? a guy sometime late at night, could have been one of a few.

i have SO much to buy from college, loads of things to return to. also going to a barbecue tomorrow. need money, please pay me john lewis!

I don't know if I'm sad or not. i want a hug, either way. i don't care if you crush my ribs again, i just want to feel wanted.

Going to bed. sleep is something i seem to shoo away for no particular reason, it's a nice release. like that time i was sitting with people i really did not want to be with and was trying to make excuses not to leave; why did I do that? I confuse myself sometimes. that was a good night in the end.

oh. i LITERALLY can't wait for so many things. i know i criticised you for saying that, but i know how you feel.

Sociability is hard enough for me, take me away from this big, bad world and agree to marry me.

It's funny how opinions change. you can think the world of somebody, and then suddenly hate their very guts. or the total opposite, you can be caught unawares, moving from indifference to infatuation in a matter of minutes.

It's funny how this is a place that I should feel I can say what I want, my own little place to be me. but I can't. i'm pretty damn sure that a fair few people occasionally tune into my crazed scribblings that I just couldn't expose my heart and soul to. there are some things I keep inside that not even all my close friends know, and oh how I hate that. I'm such an open person, i like to tell people everything I'm feeling, everything i'm thinking. yeah, that makes me sound a bit stupid sometimes, when i vocalise weird little thoughts that most people just wave off and discard as ridiculous. i RELISH ridiculous. i think that's why we get on so well.

It's funny how you can be so stupid. let's leave that point hanging, i feel elaboration would be unfair.

It's funny how I'm going to pieces but i'm also fine. my mind has these constant conflicts which buzz and trip over each other and fill up my thinking space. i'll be in a lesson and suddenly realise that i haven't been listening for the last fifteen minutes and would be struck clueless if called upon for an answer. yet, I have days where I feel on top of the world. bi-polar much?

It's funny how I can cry, screw that, WEEP over a book, but still feel happy. I can cry over someone else's miscarriage, someone else's death, and it doesn't matter, they're not real. it's silly that I cry in the first place really, but I love to get involved in these strange worlds, totally and utterly. It's just lovely to be able to cry, but not think about myself. it feels liberating. I spend so much time obsessing on what could be, what could have been, what never was. it's stupid, I know it is, but I cant help it.

How funny life is. hahahaha.

~ "good joke.
everybody laugh.
snare drum.
curtain." ~