The future.

So, my resumption of this blog seemed cheery enough.. Unfortunately, I find it hard to keep happiness up for long.

I've found myself with too much alone time recently, which is never a good thing if I have things to mull over. In fact, it lead to me taking a pregnancy test today in the vain hope I'd be pregnant and have a purpose. But of course, I am not, having an uninhabitable uterus and all that jazz. I live in hope that wishful thinking will one day overcome this.

On that subject, I also had a dreadful thought chain about cancer and death and... yeah, I've gone a bit dark again. At least I'm not hurting anyone else right now though.

If something happened like... say, ovarian cancer which meant that I 100% couldn't have children, what would I do? I would have a bit of a moral dilemma. Having children is one of the only things I really desperately want to do, and I would feel as if I had failed my life if I couldn't. So, if I couldn't have children, would there be any point in carrying on? I mean, my family would probably be a bit sad if I died... This is my problem. I'm not afraid of dying, just afraid of dying unaccomplished, and if it's inevitable, why not speed it up?

I shouldn't be thinking things like this... la la laaa... happy thoughts..

Love in the lab

I'm doing data entry. Earned about fifty quid for sitting on my arse for three days. I feel fat from the lack of exercise but, ya know, I don't really care. Mmmmmmm-money.

I've noticed something with this job. At the university I'm analysing, there are so many departments with two people, a man and a woman, sharing a surname but the woman's email saying a different surname. This means that the woman joined the university with a different surname, her maiden name, and met the giver of her new surname at work. So adorable.. especially since they all look really nerdy...

Aaah nerd love <3

The past.

I just read through all your old blogs.

and

just one thing to say.

LOL.

We're all so stupid and naive and self-righteous and think we're kings and queens of our own little kingdoms and everyone else is so much worse than us. And the fact we keep it to ourselves, to the internet, where we can say anything and it seems so stupidly anonymous...

We should have talked about this a long time ago. We both know that. It's too late to save I guess, too much has happened. Though I'm all ears if you ever feel like it. I know we probably both have a lot to say. I know I do. So so much. But you seem to think you're the stronger person, so come forward if you want.

:)

(PS I think you're essentially a nice person. sorry we got mixed up in this)

君とずっと

Konnichiwa minasan.
Kyou wa-

Okay I can't keep up the japanese. I'm bored oh so bored and also kinda sad but don't really have a reason to be. Although please stop saying mean things about me, I'm doing nothing wrong.

I want someone to travel with, someone to wake up next to, someone to cook for.

I might eat some ice cream. haha, bet that'll please you. Ah well, as long as I retain podium position of thinness I'm okay. If I get too fat I can always not eat for a few days, yay.

So bored. I don't even have enough thoughts to fill a blog anymore. Hmm.. I might be buying a tv. I had a dream with sea creatures and a plane in it where two people I know died. I went to the train station earlier to buy a ticket but forgot my railcard, fail. Tomorrow is my last counselling appointment, before I resign myself to being depressed and crazy but can't afford any help. lolzzz.

braingonnarotttttttt..mrrrhhhhhhh.

I really should delete this blog before I say something stupid.

how long is this masquerade going to last?
every time i look at this website,
i get sad
sadder every time
nearly every time I read a blog, i cry
either one of them..
very deep stuff.
especially yours though
really can't handle that shit
god I need to get a grip
on life
in all the things I should be doing
no more excuses
great it's sorted
tomorrow I shall wake up and be dynamic!
or maybe I won't
can't tell the future before it happens, right?
ha
anyways..
night everyone who reads this
great talking to you
enjoy your respective evenings.
:)

This is how you remind me of what I really am.

I feel happy.
sad.
empty.
content.
horrific.

ARGH, stay stable for once! I've realised that there's probably only one thing that matters to me and it's oh so silly. I wish it didn't matter, it would improve my quality of life to no end.

My dad rolled me a few joints for Reading today lol, what a scummy life I lead. I'm gonna rot. but it doesn't matter, what do I have to lose? I read three chapters of a book for college today and think that's a huge acheivement for me, the girl who does nothing. who is lazy and then gets upset when she doesn't succeed. sigh, it used to be so much easier. It's hard to care about trivial things like college work when you don't feel like you have a purpose. Give it back to me?

She had so many friends, sliding through many hands.

Sigh.

Got my results today, ABBC. One of the Bs was ONE MARK off an A. So I'm going to retake a module to try and get an A, yay.

I wish I could work hard.
No.
I CAN work hard. And I will. I'll try my best. I really need to try, I need this.

I also need to sort my life out, I want stability.

Lastly. It only gets to you because you know I talk sense. from many things you've said, I know you agree at least in part. haha.

I wish I could skin up. hmf. I need to learn.